Washington, DC—The
Senate outlined the unilateral concession of men today, which will
allow women to proclaim victory in the Battle of the Sexes. The news
came as quite a shock to those wealthy established Romney
supporter-types, but the true effects of this legislative proclamation
may have even deeper ramifications for men and their relative sperm
counts.
"This has been the longest war," said Peter Whipped,
the spokesman for the National Organization of Buddies (NOB). "That
Hundred Year War shit is a skirmish compared to this bitch, which
probably started when the first cave woman demanded to stop being
dragged by the hair into the cave. It’s been all downhill ever since.
Today, more women are finishing college than men and they’re getting
better degrees. Yet men are still expected to do all the things our
fathers and grandfathers did, plus half the housework and child care. My
wife makes more money than me and has me washing her clothes while she
and her friends sit around watching football and drinking beer. I fear
burps and farts will start occurring within a year. Let’s face it, I’m
screwed and you’re next! They’re here; they’re already the head of the
household!"
Vice President of NOB, Dick Limper, said, "Women are
just smarter than men and they actually care about shit. It sucks. They
have been plotting and planning for centuries and I just want to eat
chicken wings and catch up on Walking Dead episodes. We’re not
thinkers and we’re not planners and now we wear aprons. One day I was
watching the tube and my wife speeds off in her new Mercedes after
telling me to watch the kids, cuz I’ll be back whenever I feel like it, bitch.
Back in the day that used to be me! Well, if you substitute Pinto for
Mercedes. Oh shit, I had better get back home or she’ll make me wear the
French maid’s outfit again."
Not everyone is convinced that now is the time to
concede. Political activist, Stiffy McTosterone, is forming the Lilly
Better off Deadbetter Act in retaliation. Well, it’s not so much an act
as a Meetup Group. Their official mission statement is a little
demeaning and crude, not unlike The Daily Discord’s. You can see it on
their website...(um, my wife only allows an hour of internet a day, so
I’ll try to hyperlink to it tomorrow).
Professor Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute
and Barber Shop, said, "We should have seen this coming. All these eons
of trying to keep women in their place through religious totalitarianism
crumbled into ashes when Nietzsche killed God and then what was left of
the Church started raping children. Without that societal control, the
dam opened wide and men were no match for these multitasking maniacs.
Soon we’ll be little more than second income earners. We will be reduced
to sex objects, staying at home with the kids and cleaning the house
while our women hang out with their friends, drinking tea, and
discussing their emotions like they were important or something. I
predict that within a generation all of our sperm counts will reach
Congressional levels. Oh excuse me, that’s my wife on the phone. Oh, you
need me to..."
I stopped recording here when the professor began to
weep. I can’t help but wonder how this decision will change our lives on
a day-to-day basis. It remains to be seen, but I’ll let you know as
soon as my wife gives me permission to tell you what she thinks I should
say. Hey, it’s almost internet hour! Hooray! Oh shit, she’s blocking
that site. My spousal control settings and filters are getting kind of
strict. Remember porn? I don’t.
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