Rolling Trouble

An older woman glared at Rollie as she passed the outdoor seating at Scallywags. He was used to such things when he went out with his boyfriend. It probably didn’t help that Will wore a bright pink shirt and had his hair spiked up in some sort of slacker Mohawk.

Skallywags

“You see how she looked at me?” Will joked. “You know she was mad because she wanted some.”

Will

“I think she looked like she wanted was a super big pair of channel-locks to pull that bug out of her-”

“You want something else, Rollie?” Sammy asked. He’d known Sammy for a while and she always made sure he had anything he needed whenever he had enough money to treat himself to a trip to his favorite place.

 

“You want another round?” he asked.

“Maybe, but I might want to shift gears.”

Sammy tried to smile, but he could tell she was beat. “What’re you in the mood for? Wine or maybe a mixed drink?”

Will looked over at him with a wicked grin.  “Let’s do some shots.”

“It’s not even five yet,” Rollie laughed, “I think-”

A shout interrupted him. “What the,” Sammy said.

Will had already bolted up from his chair. “It’s that old lady. Some dude is grabbing her.”

Rollie’s gut reaction would be to say, ‘screw her,’ but he knew his knight in shining armor wouldn’t let it go. He finished his beer, because with the way these things tended to go, he might not get a chance later.

Turning, he saw a man in a business suit grabbing and pulling at the woman who had scowled at them. 

“Leave me alone,” she cried.

Then, after a savage pull, the man leaned forward and bit her neck. Rollie just stared for a moment, but when his mouth came away with a huge bloody piece of her neck, his pint glass slid out from between his fingers and shattered on the floor.

Bloody Business Suit

He still starred, but Will had already sprinted toward the fight. Rollie had barely left the courtyard by the time Will had reached the man’s side and pushed him hard enough to knock the guy off his feet. 

But the woman had lost her footing as well and lay on the pavement moaning. Rollie figured Will could handle himself, so he ran to help the woman. She didn’t look good. His gut told him she wouldn’t be making it. He applied direct pressure anyway and screamed toward Sammy. “Call 911!”

His eyes looked toward Will again and he saw that the man he fought refused to stay down. Will pushed him away again and again, but no matter how much abuse he took, the man kept coming. Rollie almost lost his lunch when the man opened his flesh filled mouth and growled.

Two bouncers showed up. One’s name was Jack, but the big black guy was new to him. Jack stopped by Will side and drew him back. “Let Diamond handle this.”

The man, Diamond, crashed into the red mouthed man and slammed him against a brick wall, but Rollie looked back toward Sammy because she was screaming.

First Zombie

Rollie saw that a man had leaned over into the courtyard and had attacked a pair of women and one was being pulled onto the pavement by her hair. But as soon as he looked that way, his attention was drawn back to the men, for Diamond shrill scream now competed with the others. Rollie looked on in horror as the suited man went in and took a second bite out of his arm.

To be continued next Saturday.

You can discover where Rollie entered the Eternal Aftermath Here!

They are coming to get you Rollie

Winslow Removes the Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Zano’s Office

Collapsing Shack, AZ—After losing dozens of potentially talented reporters and multiple lawsuits, the Daily Discord’s CEO finally moved the official Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Mick Zano’s office. “This latest list of atrocities and abuses marked the last straw,” said CEO Pierce Winslow. “And this time I mean it!”

As a result, threats, blubbering, and attempted bribery were heard echoing up and down the halls of Discord Central today.

“What can you expect?” said Winslow. “Do you see a lot of women working here? Guess why that is? Yep, it’s because either Mick Zano or the Ghetto Shaman scares them off. That and the fact we have no toilets in the rest room. And don’t even get me started on what they make the interns do. At this point, the only college that still sends us any is that damn Hogbein Institute and Multiplex. And the last one I got from there thought the World Wide Web was something from the Lord of the Rings.”

In his defense, Zano brought up the fact Cokie McGrath still worked for the Discord, “so we can’t be all bad.”

Winslow then pointed out the fact McGrath has filed no less than seven restraining orders against Zano and is even beginning to doubt whether or not he can truly “make her a star.”

The Daily Discord

When Zano was given a chance for a rebuttal, he had this to say. “This is completely unfair. Four of those restraining orders are completely unjustified.” And somewhere in the background someone did that badha bah, drum thing.

“Winslow could have at least waited until the Swedish exchange student bikini team had finished their tour,” added the Shaman.

Winslow countered by saying, “and I’m taking away that damn Badha bah drummer too!”

I caught up to local horror writer Michael D. Griffiths, who tends to lurk around the office looking for free pastries, and asked him if he knew of any inappropriate behavior going on within the halls of the Discord.

“Umm, as long as begging, screaming, panting, grunting, bribing, pleading, demanding, hanging up porn calendars, third party harassment, quid pro quo, inappropriate emails, asking to wife swap, hanging up flyers for office orgies, giving crude gifts, pinching, hugging, froughting, naughty pantomiming, knee licking, trying to get other employee to give out their daughter’s cell numbers, and hiring topless dancers for lunch breaks are okay, then I think these guys are pretty well behaved,” said Griffiths.

Mr. Griffiths later admitted, however, the Ghetto Shaman’s list would be “considerably longer.”

So as you can see, even with the loss of the infamous Casting Couch not much will probably change around Discord Central. When we asked Winslow where it would go, he said he was considering giving the couch to the Crank. “That guy needs something to cheer him up.”

Now you have to excuse me, the Crank is researching which bar has the best PBR pour in Mesa and the new interns from the institute are due to arrive any minute. Can you open a locked door with a church key? I mean they must call them keys for some reason.

If you would like to see more of my Writing jump here!

If you need more laughs, click here!

Motherroad Brewers attacked by Chaos

One day in early February in the year 2013, the minions of Chaos known as a The Daily Discord stormed the Motherroad Brewery in Flagstaff Arizona.

See photos

But this was no ordinary day, for the brews of the mighty Deschutes of Bend had traveled across the winter wastes to team up and brew a ale worthy of the Flagstaff/Oregon wormhole.

You will learn so much more here. Not just about the brewers, but perhaps something about the nature of reality itself or at least how to survive the apocalypse and still have a cold one.

Check out Bacchanalian explosion Below!!

 

 

To see more Daily Weirdness from The Discord, Click Here!

Mother Road Brewing and Deschutes Unite! By Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Mother Road Brewing made the fatal mistake of informing The Daily Discord about an important event. On February 5th they combined forces with Oregon’s Deschutes Brewery to brew one spectacular Super Brew. It’s kind of like that Wonder Twins thing, but instead of rings they use vats. Wonder Twins activate, form of ethanol! Video preview at the end of the article! And, yes, we will be releasing the entire video on this momentous day, theoretically soon. For some history, about a year ago there were only four brewpubs in Flagstaff. Mogollon Brewing recently closed, but three more cropped up in its place, which begs the question is slaying a brewery like killing the hydra? You lop off a head only to find more sudsy heads emerging in its place? Hey, just be thankful I didn’t go with my original Mead-dusa joke. You would have immediately turned to Stone...Brewing. Zano, anymore puns like that and YOU’RE FIRED!! Sincerely, Pierce X. Winslow, CEO Hey, I’m working here... Anyway, it all started when the Discord crew attended the local Brew Ha-Ha on January 19th—which is also where we found and hired our new cameraman Greg, who hence forth shall be known as Greg! Alex Bone, Cokie McGrath, Mick Zano and The Pharmacists at Brew Ha-Ha Yeah, I’ve been working out a little. Actually, that guy in the back tried to photo bomb us, so we showed him...by turning him into me! Take that, brew fest photo bomb dude. I didn’t cover the Brew Ha-Ha for the Discord this year—not because it wasn’t fun—it’s just I’m getting lazy in my old age. If you want to get the true flavor of Flagstaff’s premier winter beer festival, check out my coverage from last year here. Oh, but when my agency’s CEO made a surprise appearance this year, for my day job, I was just thankful the gang talked me out of my "great idea". "Hey everyone, let’s all run up to him and dump our beers on his head like it’s Gatorade and we’d just won the big game!" Yeah, my friends...I’m kind of surprised they stopped me. Meanwhile, at the Brew Ha-Ha we ran into the founder of Mother Road Brewing, Michael Marquess. He is already a bit too familiar with the Discord gang, but despite this fact remained shortsighted enough to tell us about his little Deschutes collaboration thing on the 5th. The idea was for Deschutes personnel to drive from Bend Oregon to Flagstaff Arizona and pair up with Mother Road as part of their initiative to support your local brewery. Mike started brewing as a hobby in 2000 but now, 13 years later, his shiny new brewery was just recognized by the city of Flagstaff as the Business of the Year—narrowly beating out The Daily Discord, which has over 11 viewers, because our fans go to 11! Mr. Marquess was then presented with the key to the city, which in retrospect the Mayor now regrets as he got the town as far as Sedona before being pulled over by police. It’s sad, really, because no matter how big The Discord gets I can’t see the Mayor handing us anything. That bridge has sailed...or something. We were able to corner Mike for an interview and here’s how it all went down: Zano: I have only one question for the founder: why, night after night, do you serve this man (pointing to Alex Bone) when you know what’s going to happen? Isn’t doing the same thing over and over again the definition of insanity? Marquess: My license states I have to treat and serve everyone fairly, even when he is—shall we say—less than himself. Bone: (towering over both of us) I’m more than myself! Zano: I just want to say, your black IPA is phenomenal, your recent Anniversary brew is phenomenal, you are a real up and coming brewery in this little town. Wouldn’t you say your black IPA is your signature beer? Marquess: Yes. Zano: Then please tell me how do you brew a black pale ale? That’s an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp or ...wait, I have more. I prepared them (Zano reaches into pocket). Marquess: We can argue all day about Cascadia ale, American black ale, so just call my beer Lost Highway— Bone: I saw the movie Lost Highway. Marquess: —keep drinking it, and we can agree to disagree on whether you can call it a pale, or black, or whatever the hell it is. Zano: I love this man! Marquess: We like you guys too, but please stop downloading that stuff you’re downloading off our free internet. I keep getting letters from my internet service provider. (Our answer to this important accusation is best left to our video response. Hint: it involves dolphins.) Alex Bone then interviewed Casey Carhart of Deschutes Brewery and asked him questions ranging from demonic possessions to zombie apocalypses. Bone isn’t well. Alex Bone, Mick Zano, and Casey Carhart of Deschutes Brewery This is another reason I Iove Deschutes. Doesn’t this sound like the perfect event? The video captures more of our antics and our ultimate ejection, but we really feel we accomplished some important work that day, or at least that’s what we keep telling ourselves... Our official apology to both breweries is included in the video, coming soon! Check your spam folder. Until then here’s the opening. Enjoy.

For more laughs here the The Daily Discord