What happens when you allow The Daily Discord crew to try to solve the mysteries of the Universe?
This might not be pretty…
Showing posts with label Spoof News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spoof News. Show all posts
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Two Guns, No Clue
Two Guns, No Clue
Here is a fun short Video that my friends and I made last weekendHere is the video
Enjoy
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Winslow Removes the Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Zano’s Office
Collapsing Shack, AZ—After losing dozens of
potentially talented reporters and multiple lawsuits, the Daily
Discord’s CEO finally moved the official Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from
Mick Zano’s office. “This latest list of atrocities and abuses marked
the last straw,” said CEO Pierce Winslow. “And this time I mean it!”
As a result, threats, blubbering, and attempted bribery were heard echoing up and down the halls of Discord Central today.
“What can you expect?” said Winslow. “Do you see a lot
of women working here? Guess why that is? Yep, it’s because either Mick
Zano or the Ghetto Shaman scares them off. That and the fact we have no
toilets in the rest room. And don’t even get me started on what they
make the interns do. At this point, the only college that still sends us
any is that damn Hogbein Institute and Multiplex. And the last one I
got from there thought the World Wide Web was something from the Lord of
the Rings.”
In his defense, Zano brought up the fact Cokie McGrath still worked for the Discord, “so we can’t be all bad.”
Winslow then pointed out the fact McGrath has filed no
less than seven restraining orders against Zano and is even beginning
to doubt whether or not he can truly “make her a star.”
The Daily Discord
When Zano was given a chance for a rebuttal, he had
this to say. “This is completely unfair. Four of those restraining
orders are completely unjustified.” And somewhere in the background
someone did that badha bah, drum thing.
“Winslow could have at least waited until the Swedish exchange student bikini team had finished their tour,” added the Shaman.
Winslow countered by saying, “and I’m taking away that damn Badha bah drummer too!”
I caught up to local horror writer Michael D.
Griffiths, who tends to lurk around the office looking for free
pastries, and asked him if he knew of any inappropriate behavior going
on within the halls of the Discord.
“Umm, as long as begging, screaming, panting,
grunting, bribing, pleading, demanding, hanging up porn calendars, third
party harassment, quid pro quo, inappropriate emails, asking to wife
swap, hanging up flyers for office orgies, giving crude gifts, pinching,
hugging, froughting, naughty pantomiming, knee licking, trying to get
other employee to give out their daughter’s cell numbers, and hiring
topless dancers for lunch breaks are okay, then I think these guys are
pretty well behaved,” said Griffiths.
Mr. Griffiths later admitted, however, the Ghetto Shaman’s list would be “considerably longer.”
So as you can see, even with the loss of the infamous
Casting Couch not much will probably change around Discord Central. When
we asked Winslow where it would go, he said he was considering giving
the couch to the Crank. “That guy needs something to cheer him up.”
Now you have to excuse me, the Crank is researching
which bar has the best PBR pour in Mesa and the new interns from the
institute are due to arrive any minute. Can you open a locked door with a
church key? I mean they must call them keys for some reason.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Putin: “I’m Only Gay With the Clergy”
| Putin: “I’m Only Gay With the Clergy” | ||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||
| Deluise: “Sure, and I’ma da Pope.” |
Saturday, August 3, 2013
ATVs: A-hole Trashy Victimizers and Why I Hate Them By Alex Bone
Collapsing Shack, AZ—Over the past decade the use of
ATVs has become more popular than ever, surpassing even the killing of
harmless animals, the shooting of illegal immigrants, or other
culturally important redneck pastimes (CIRP). The following
observation on those who choose to drive an ATV is sadly accurate. The
names have been changed to protect…I really didn’t get their names. Too
much gurgling from all the blood in their throats.
Now people don’t even need four wheel drive vehicles
to get deep into the wilderness. Many families can just drive their RV
to the edge of the woods, set up camp, and—as soon as they finish the
last video from the Jeff Foxworthy mythos—head as far as the dirt roads
will allow. I decided for this post to set out to discover the
ins-and-outs of forest etiquette, particularly in regards to the owners
of these fearsome machines known as ATVs. ATV owners are the BMW
drivers of the badlands. Speaking of which, if they ever do make a
BMW-ATV, wow….
Now I know why I am one of Northern Arizona’s premiere horror writers. I just scared the shit out of myself.
I have studied the ATVsters behaviors and their ethics
for some time—from a distance, of course, as not to contaminate the
study. So the following is just a short list of things that occurred
while dealing with these jack wads. I’ve had the owners of ATVs:
- Drive over my possessions as they race through my campsite (I will miss you Sony Walkman).
- Park behind my artist wife in the middle of composing a painting (wow, that’s a beautiful use of water color, honey, but…uh, is that the back end of a Yamaha Raptor?)
- Try to move our camp tables in order to drive a few more feet past our canvas paradise.
- Lash small children to their front bumpers and drive through patches of jumping cholla (I’m actually OK with this one, but, wouldn’t you know it, that’s the only one that isn’t true!)
Some ATV owners have even tried to get me to buy
George W’s new book. I hope I dug those graves deep enough. Since ATVs
are from Hell, my new goal is to ensure that every time I’m around one
they already feel like they are there. I don’t want them to die and have
the whole eternal-damnation thing be a shock to their system. So now,
each time one shows up anywhere near me, I rush forward to them, get
into their face, and yell RAAAH, RAAAH, RAHHH at an ear-tearing volume.
Do they think I’m crazy? If they can hear me over
the roar of their engines… my guess would be, yes. Still, my goal is a
noble one, to try to annoy them at least a fraction of how much they
have annoyed me over the years. Is this good journalism? Is this sane?
Well, of course not, but keep in mind, this is The Daily Discord.
The important thing is they begin to think twice…oh
wait, that might be too hard for ATV owners. How about think…at all,
before they rush into some stranger’s camp. So ATVers beware, there are
worse things in the back woods than broken RV heaters, burnt microwave
dinners, and skipping DVDs. Sometimes your little roar buckets might not
be enough to get you back to your mobile homes, because barb wire has a
whole lot of uses, heh, heh, heh—especially when it’s placed between
trees about neck high. Did I just say that aloud? Mr. Winslow is
saying, no, I typed it out loud. Oh, aren’t we supposed to tone down
the rhetoric? Well, next time, for now I have some traps to set for
some boobs. The last bastards we took out only had some Miller Lite and
some Jeff Foxworthy tapes.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Motherroad Brewers attacked by Chaos
One day in early February in the year
2013, the minions of Chaos known as a The Daily Discord stormed the
Motherroad Brewery in Flagstaff Arizona.
But this was no ordinary day, for the brews of the mighty Deschutes of Bend had traveled across the winter wastes to team up and brew a ale worthy of the Flagstaff/Oregon wormhole.
You will learn so much more here. Not just about the brewers, but perhaps something about the nature of reality itself or at least how to survive the apocalypse and still have a cold one.
Check out Bacchanalian explosion Below!!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Arizona’s Crawdad Menace and Other Disturbing Observations
Caved-in-Shack, AZ—Something deeply disturbing is happening in
Arizona. No, I’m not talking about Janet Brewer, Immigration laws, or
Mick Zano’s naked bar crawls….I’m talking about something reaaalllly disturbing.
Back when I was shelling out ten bucks a bag in New Orleans for
mini-lobsters known as crawdads, how could I have known a few years
later these same bastards would be on the verge of destroying my state’s
ecosystem?
In case you are unaware, crayfish or crawdads are not native to the states west of the Rockies, like funding for education and the arts. Over the years, scores of intrepid crawdads died trying to traverse the Rockies. Most eventually gave up and settled in Denver to open microbreweries…very small ones, obviously, or micro-microbreweries.
In a similar manner to the republican migration, crawdads have crept into the southwest and have invaded our delicate ecosystem with their big trucks and their wild tea parties. These evil little beasts have infected the streams and lakes in every part of my home state—not to mention their racially charged immigration bills.
Similar to the red state’s pro-Christian stance, many of these crayfish were introduced through a misconception of facts. A statewide program for seventh-graders had the children studying these, nearly impossible to kill, cockroaches from hell. Then, at the end of the school year, in a truly misguided attempt at environmentalism, teachers had their students dump this destructive invasive species into every stream and pond across our fair state. This is why eco-friendly people are often only slightly more devastating to our planet than the Sarah Palin’s of the world. Hey, maybe Sarah can shoot crawdads from her chopper?
Once in our formally tranquil waters, these demonic (yet tasty) crayfish begin to devour everything in their path, much like laws enacted by our governor’s red pen. Soon all aquatic life is killed off. After this eradication comes the demise of all plant life. Without plants there is nothing to recycle to carbon dioxide other than algae—not to mention, there’s nothing to smoke. This turns clear streams and lakes into murky dark pools, where the crawfish now have no choice other than to eat each other in a dark cannibalistic frenzy, not dissimilar to Zano’s naked bar crawls.
As a follower of Yig, I find the loss of frogs and other amphibians across our state the most depressing aspect of this crustacean invasion. Even the most selfish swimmer cannot be enjoying a wade into the murk with crawfish nipping at your toes, unless they’re trying to save money on a pedicure.
So what can we do to stem the tide of evil and death that is sweeping over the west? The answer is simple. All crawfish must be boiled alive and eaten, preferably with butter sauce. Boil that crayfish, boil that crayfish. Boil! Boil! Devour those selfish shellfish, munch on those crusty-aceans, cook those lobster mobsters, can those crabby…I’m being told to stop.
It is only fitting that we, the species responsible for started this plague, sacrifice our time to eat as many of these delicious morsels as possible. It’s a rough job, but sometimes sacrifices must be made. And, if such sacrifices involve eating endless piles of buttery white meat that tastes like lobster, then so be it.
Leave no stone unturned! (Literally.)
So, my fellow Americans, pick up your nets, your traps, your spears, and maybe some of those concealed handguns, and let’s go crawdadding! Book your Coconino County Crawdad Chopper Safari with Alex Bone today!
You can check out more of my Writing here!
You can so even more Comedy Here!
In case you are unaware, crayfish or crawdads are not native to the states west of the Rockies, like funding for education and the arts. Over the years, scores of intrepid crawdads died trying to traverse the Rockies. Most eventually gave up and settled in Denver to open microbreweries…very small ones, obviously, or micro-microbreweries.
In a similar manner to the republican migration, crawdads have crept into the southwest and have invaded our delicate ecosystem with their big trucks and their wild tea parties. These evil little beasts have infected the streams and lakes in every part of my home state—not to mention their racially charged immigration bills.
Similar to the red state’s pro-Christian stance, many of these crayfish were introduced through a misconception of facts. A statewide program for seventh-graders had the children studying these, nearly impossible to kill, cockroaches from hell. Then, at the end of the school year, in a truly misguided attempt at environmentalism, teachers had their students dump this destructive invasive species into every stream and pond across our fair state. This is why eco-friendly people are often only slightly more devastating to our planet than the Sarah Palin’s of the world. Hey, maybe Sarah can shoot crawdads from her chopper?
Once in our formally tranquil waters, these demonic (yet tasty) crayfish begin to devour everything in their path, much like laws enacted by our governor’s red pen. Soon all aquatic life is killed off. After this eradication comes the demise of all plant life. Without plants there is nothing to recycle to carbon dioxide other than algae—not to mention, there’s nothing to smoke. This turns clear streams and lakes into murky dark pools, where the crawfish now have no choice other than to eat each other in a dark cannibalistic frenzy, not dissimilar to Zano’s naked bar crawls.
As a follower of Yig, I find the loss of frogs and other amphibians across our state the most depressing aspect of this crustacean invasion. Even the most selfish swimmer cannot be enjoying a wade into the murk with crawfish nipping at your toes, unless they’re trying to save money on a pedicure.
So what can we do to stem the tide of evil and death that is sweeping over the west? The answer is simple. All crawfish must be boiled alive and eaten, preferably with butter sauce. Boil that crayfish, boil that crayfish. Boil! Boil! Devour those selfish shellfish, munch on those crusty-aceans, cook those lobster mobsters, can those crabby…I’m being told to stop.
It is only fitting that we, the species responsible for started this plague, sacrifice our time to eat as many of these delicious morsels as possible. It’s a rough job, but sometimes sacrifices must be made. And, if such sacrifices involve eating endless piles of buttery white meat that tastes like lobster, then so be it.
Leave no stone unturned! (Literally.)
So, my fellow Americans, pick up your nets, your traps, your spears, and maybe some of those concealed handguns, and let’s go crawdadding! Book your Coconino County Crawdad Chopper Safari with Alex Bone today!
You can check out more of my Writing here!
You can so even more Comedy Here!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Top Ten Reasons Face Book Sucks
1. You see faces.
2. You share too much.
3. Your mistress always wants to befriend you.
4. You share way too much.
5. Your mother finds out about your strange attraction to dolphins.
6. Kim Jong-un has more friends than you, in America.
7. You get tagged in the gay bestiality rodeo.
8. The cops sequester your page to prove your link to the crawdad smuggling underground.
9. Your drunken Face Book post ends up in the agency newsletter.
10, That shit on your home page makes the gay bestiality rodeo seem good.
The Daily Discord
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Mother Road Brewing and Deschutes Unite! By Mick Zano
 |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Flagstaff, AZ—Mother
Road Brewing made the fatal mistake of informing The Daily Discord
about an important event. On February 5th they combined forces with
Oregon’s Deschutes Brewery to brew one spectacular Super Brew. It’s kind
of like that Wonder Twins thing, but instead of rings they use vats.
Wonder Twins activate, form of ethanol! Video preview at the end of the
article!
And, yes, we will be releasing the entire video on
this momentous day, theoretically soon. For some history, about a year
ago there were only four brewpubs in Flagstaff. Mogollon Brewing
recently closed, but three more cropped up in its place, which begs the
question is slaying a brewery like killing the hydra? You lop off a head
only to find more sudsy heads emerging in its place?
Hey, just be thankful I didn’t go with my original Mead-dusa joke. You would have immediately turned to Stone...Brewing.
Zano, anymore puns like that and YOU’RE FIRED!!
Sincerely,
Pierce X. Winslow, CEO
Hey, I’m working here...
Anyway, it all started when the Discord crew attended
the local Brew Ha-Ha on January 19th—which is also where we found and
hired our new cameraman Greg, who hence forth shall be known as Greg!
Yeah, I’ve been working out a little. Actually, that
guy in the back tried to photo bomb us, so we showed him...by turning
him into me! Take that, brew fest photo bomb dude.
I didn’t cover the Brew Ha-Ha for the Discord this
year—not because it wasn’t fun—it’s just I’m getting lazy in my old age.
If you want to get the true flavor of Flagstaff’s premier winter beer
festival, check out my coverage from last year here.
Oh, but when my agency’s CEO made a surprise
appearance this year, for my day job, I was just thankful the gang
talked me out of my "great idea".
"Hey everyone, let’s all run up to him and dump our beers on his head like it’s Gatorade and we’d just won the big game!"
Yeah, my friends...I’m kind of surprised they stopped me.
Meanwhile, at the Brew Ha-Ha we ran into the founder
of Mother Road Brewing, Michael Marquess. He is already a bit too
familiar with the Discord gang, but despite this fact remained
shortsighted enough to tell us about his little Deschutes collaboration
thing on the 5th. The idea was for Deschutes personnel to drive from
Bend Oregon to Flagstaff Arizona and pair up with Mother Road as part of
their initiative to support your local brewery.
Mike started brewing as a hobby in 2000 but now, 13
years later, his shiny new brewery was just recognized by the city of
Flagstaff as the Business of the Year—narrowly beating out The Daily
Discord, which has over 11 viewers, because our fans go to 11! Mr.
Marquess was then presented with the key to the city, which in
retrospect the Mayor now regrets as he got the town as far as Sedona
before being pulled over by police. It’s sad, really, because no matter
how big The Discord gets I can’t see the Mayor handing us anything. That
bridge has sailed...or something.
We were able to corner Mike for an interview and here’s how it all went down:
Zano: I have only one question for the founder:
why, night after night, do you serve this man (pointing to Alex Bone)
when you know what’s going to happen? Isn’t doing the same thing over
and over again the definition of insanity?
Marquess: My license states I have to treat and serve everyone fairly, even when he is—shall we say—less than himself.
Bone: (towering over both of us) I’m more than myself!
Zano: I just want to say, your black IPA is
phenomenal, your recent Anniversary brew is phenomenal, you are a real
up and coming brewery in this little town. Wouldn’t you say your black
IPA is your signature beer?
Marquess: Yes.
Zano: Then please tell me how do you brew a
black pale ale? That’s an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp or ...wait, I have
more. I prepared them (Zano reaches into pocket).
Marquess: We can argue all day about Cascadia ale, American black ale, so just call my beer Lost Highway—
Bone: I saw the movie Lost Highway.
Marquess: —keep drinking it, and we can agree to disagree on whether you can call it a pale, or black, or whatever the hell it is.
Zano: I love this man!
Marquess: We like you guys too, but please stop
downloading that stuff you’re downloading off our free internet. I keep
getting letters from my internet service provider.
(Our answer to this important accusation is best left to our video response. Hint: it involves dolphins.)
Alex Bone then interviewed Casey Carhart of Deschutes
Brewery and asked him questions ranging from demonic possessions to
zombie apocalypses. Bone isn’t well.
This is another reason I Iove Deschutes. Doesn’t this sound like the perfect event?
The video captures more of our antics and our ultimate
ejection, but we really feel we accomplished some important work that
day, or at least that’s what we keep telling ourselves... Our official
apology to both breweries is included in the video, coming soon! Check
your spam folder. Until then here’s the opening. Enjoy.
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Aliens Set to Invade Earth but Decide it isn’t Worth the Bother
Collapsing shack Arizona: After traveling over 300 light
years and listening to the same songs 10,000,000,000 times, the
invasion force from the planet Gloom 666 has turned around and decided
to head back home.
When asked why they made the choice to return to their
world without invading ours, their Admiral Wigaling had this to say.
“First off this place smells. Normally we go in and steal resources, but
there are barely enough here to bother. We like stealing cultures as
well, but again… once we saw what you had to offer, it was another big,
why bother. And don’t even get me started on your women… I’ve seen less
entitlement from the twin princesses of Mollun 5.”
When I pointed out the huge tracks of virgin forest in
Alaska and other wondrous natural resources we still had, he looked at
me like I was insane and said, “What is the matter with you? You act
like you want to be attacked and have your existence completely
destroyed. Are you an idiot or something? I feel like attacking your
planet just so I can kill your dumb ass.”
For some reason the United Nations expelled me from the
conference after that. But I think we have all learned a valuable lesson
here. There is an upside to environmental destruction. Yes, just like
how I avoid identify theft by having an identity no one would want, we
are now protecting our lifestyles by making our Earth so useless that
domination conquest will pass us right by. I might even have to vote
Republican next election.
The Daily Discord
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)