Showing posts with label Laughs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Laughs. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A Shameless Plug or Jack Primus faces the Eternal Aftermath, and with the help of Skinjumpers, fights Dalsala Den

Collapsing Shack Arizona: This week, in a hope to increase book sales, I have taken it upon myself to interview America’s newest hero as he takes on his most difficult challenge yet.

When I caught up to him, Jack Primus put down his brain splattered sledge hammer just long enough to say, “I hope you’re all getting a kick out of this. I have to face the villains from not just my world, but three others as well; just to help Michael D. Griffiths make some books sales. It might sound good for the author, but being forced to fight cyberpunk undead Xemmoni that come from an evil filled planet of high magic really sucks when you are on this side of the pages.”

Jack With an Axe
Jack With an Axe

When I pointed out that selling more copies might mean he would get to be in more books, Jack said, “Hell, I’m already in a few books, loads of artwork, and a weekly blog, but what good does it do me? Oooo I get to get beat up more often.”

Jack

When the swarms of zombies that surrounded him grew closer, he thrust an axe into my hands and said, “I’m not even from a world of zombies. I hate zombies, they remind me of my first girlfriend. But now I’m stuck fighting them just to help promote my author’s Zombie Apocalypse series, Eternal Aftermath. Does he care that I’m not even in that series…? No!”

Zombie March
Zombie March

After we cut down enough zombies to give ourselves some breathing room for a moment, I asked him about the allies that he fought side by side with. “These Skinjumpers are the only silver lining to this whole mess, but these high tech cloned heroes brought their own cyber powered villains with them. Do you know how much it blows hitting some guy with a sledge hammer who you think is just a normal dude, but then find out he’s made of solid metal. My fingers are still numb from the last impact. And if you’ve never been hit by a laser, let me tell you something, IT REALLY SUCKS! I almost rather be bit by a zombie. Yeah, if it wasn’t for that whole plague thing. By the way, looks like you were bit. Sorry fella, but I guess I’ll be your last interview.”

Enforcers

I was starting to fell a little light headed, but managed to spit out a question about Dalsala Den. “Yeah, that high level magic using a-hole is the worst of the lot. I thought I had things bad on my world. Shit, I’d rather fight Vile Darken than that guy. I had a group of cops here helping me, but he turned half on them into solid ice and the other half became… crawdads. He says he wants to take over this planet. Well line up scum bag. I wish there was some way I could just let them fight against each other… and… kill… themselves… off. Hey, let’s light that trash on fire and use the smokescreen to go grab ourselves a few ales.”

Dalsala Den

Even though I was starting to bleed from my eye sockets, I agreed as long as the first round and the cheese steaks were on him.



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Sunday, December 29, 2013

Search Truth Quest

What happens when you allow The Daily Discord crew to try to solve the mysteries of the Universe?
This might not be pretty…


Chaos

Sunday, December 22, 2013

EP 5: The Daily Discord's "Lowell Observatory Incident"

This Spring a group of Adventurers risked their lives at the Lowell Observatory here is what

they discovered…


Lowell Observatory
Lowell Observatory

This video could save your life!

Click here!!

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Monday, October 14, 2013

SJ and the SHovel Part IV

MDG  


Oh Man
What a rough night. It is hard to sleep with a solid fin of hair jutting out from the top of your head. Then…I’m not sure if was CW’s cat or what, but we were woken up early by the sounds of Jack cursing. As soon as I crawled out of the tent, some kind of crazy brown desert mutt was in my face. When I kicked it, it exploded into a shower of dust. That was weird. Jack was going to town with some ball and chain weapon. Who knows how many he dusted.

Bone in the Vast II
 

Later he got into my face talking about some guy Wivalynn and how his creatures would get stronger as he drew closer and we had to keep moving. SJ is frantic. She knows this guy is after her shovel, but she calls him Willaim Lynn. It is all very confusing.
So now we are getting ready to hike out into the sun. My Little Wax Head Boy mohawk keeps dripped wax over my face and I have to hold Crystalwizard’s cat half the time and Dahtoe won’t stop trying to peck at it and then the cat freaks out and I get an armful of claws.
Another thing I’m getting sick of is all of these kangaroo rat sandwiches. We may have to stop somewhere for supplies soon, but I think I might have lost my wallet in a canyon somewhere and besides how can we go shopping with a dozen rattlesnakes, a manic seagull, a neurotic cat, and a Humming Shovel. Oh it is doing Sunshine Of Your Love again.
Hmm Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm
Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm


SJ  


WHY have we stopped??? We should be still on the move. Shovel thinks so. The Cat is more than happy to keep going, with Dahtoe using his tail as target practice. Jack understands – I can tell by the way he grunts. So why are we parked here? Because of Mike. Who says he can’t go any further. Reckons that with his hair all waxed up, he needs his rest. If William catches up with us – Mike will be getting a lot more rest than he bargained for…
And he’s welcome to the tent. I’m moving into Jack’s shelter. I don’t care that it’s all bare rock and half-cured leather. At least if William comes for Shovel and me, Jack is capable of fighting him off.
Whereas Mike is just up for feeding me more of those pink pills and flipping into full sooth-mode. You know the kinda thing, ‘Don’t you worry your little old head, SJ. William Lynn is only a figment of your imagination. There’s no way that Shovel can sense evil…’
And this is the man whose been singing songs with Shovel for the past 2 days! Mr Consistency he ain’t.
I think we’re approaching the edge of the desert. There’s a loom of light on the horizon that might be civilization. I hope. Trouble is, I can’t tell exactly how much further we have to go before we get there. But I reckon we have to keep on going through the night. So does Shovel. I’m wondering if I bang Mike on the head with Shovel, we can knock him cold and carry him… Or maybe Jack could lash up some sort of travois with a couple of buffalo skeletons and rattleskins. If we harnessed The Cat, he could – at last – make himself useful by helping to haul Mike along if we put Dahtoe in a cage just behind him.

Jack's sanke

Um. That won’t work. Well – it might. But there’s no way anyone is going to manage to put that crazy seagull in a cage…
The rest of the plan might be OK, though. I’ll run it by Jack. We CANNOT afford to stop for the night. Shovel is positive that William is too close. And if he gets hold of Shovel – well, that’s unthinkable. It mustn’t happen. That’s all.

MDG 

Whatta

SJ is trying to make me come off sounding all lazy. I’m the one carrying the backpack full of water and rats, while all she carries is The Shovel. Now she is sleeping next to Jack ‘for warmth.’ Man that guy gets all the chicks. It must be the sideburns.
We have a new problem. Well, we have a lot of problems, but I won’t go there. SJ saw the lights, while we walked all dang night. No its not Vegas. It was theflippin Hoover Dam. At least I know I’m still on earth. I was beginning to wonder.


Hoover dam


So now the issue is what to do. I might be able to get the cat and Dathoe over, even with my foot high melting mohawk, but I’m not sure about the snakes and The Shovel.
Jack says we should not risk a crossing here because Wivalynn, or William Lynn or whatever is name is, might have men staked out here. I was so delirious that I agreed to follow Jack, as he took us south into a maze of some of the roughest canyons I have ever seen.
Crystalwizard’s cat digs her claws into my back, as I follow Jack through the jagged cliffs. The whole time Dahtoe is is mocking us from above as he coasts on the winds.
Wivalynn must have summoned another pack of mutes for I can hear them following us. Jack wants to cross the raging colorado. I’m not sure how we are going to do that, but it doesn’t matter now because we are still a dozen mountains away from it.
We could really use a break. If anyone out there can help us-without invloving the authorities- please do.
At least Jack’s snakes hunted down and killed a deer. Still, I’m not sure how save it is to eat this venom filled meat.
Oh shot, it sounds like the pack is getting closer. I have to go!


SJ   

I want to place it on record – I am NOT having an affair with Jack. However, whatever transpires between a man and my tool is entirely their own business…
Meantime, we are now across the Colorado. We are all still alive if a little soggy – which is more than can be said for that bunch of bozos that tried to ambush us on the other side of the river. Jack is certainly a POWERFUL guy when he goes into berserker mode – even the seagull knew to back off. And so – I am glad to say – is Shovel… They certainly have a lot in common. Mind you, the snakes also accounted for one or three of William’s thugs.
And the deer that Mike was fussing about? Jack skinned it and made a coracle with it and the travois we used to drag Mike along till he came around. Shovel suggested that hitting Mike over the head might kill him – and he got upset in case he lost his hum-buddy… So I dosed him with those pills he keeps shovelling down my throat. I’m now seriously concerned about my longtime health – Mike was out cold for 6 hours. He can’t even remember that we put him on the travois. It took him another 2 hours before he recalled his own name…
No wonder I’ve been getting memory blanks…
Oh – and CW, I’m sorry. The Cat didn’t like the idea of getting in the coracle. In all the fighting and confusion, he ran off. We’re hoping that we catch him again. Dahtoe is looking for him as we speak. We’ll let you know as soon as we find him. Sorry…

MDG:


Oh my head.
Well I’m glad The Shovel still likes me. But boy did SJ get mad about that comment I maderegarding her and Jack. Ouch my head. I’m glad The Shovel held back his mojo, or I might not be writing this.
I think we are hopelessly lost now, since during the crossing my maps washed away and with me being unconsious they no longer had my excellent navigational skills.
And we lost the cat. Crystalwizard is going to kill me. The only thing I live for is my slush reading for Abandoned Towers and now I see it all slipping away, unless I can find that cat. Dahtoe had better find it or I am doomed. At least I am still soggy and hard to light.
Also Scott I’m getting more worried about Little Wax Head Boy. A lot of him might have washed away when we crossed the Colorado. Yep the mohawk is still there, but he is not talking anymore.


Dahtoe II
 

Jack is all beat up and things are getting lonely and tense here after the attack. There are only the four of us now and a few snakes. Jack has gone off to collect more. I try to talk to SJ, but she is jealious about the growing relationship The Shovel and I are developing and she doesn’t want to let me near.
Once it started to grow dark I saw the signs of city lights, but they were to the south and I know Vegas should be to the west. I hope Jack makes it back soon. Shoot right nowI would settle for Dahtoe. I think the shadows are moving unnaturally. So we are either about to be attacked, my head wound is making me see things, or those meds have not left my system yet.
Does any out there live near Vegas or Kingman? I could use a sandwich.


To be continued…. 




Walking Metal Pod of Doom

Friday, September 27, 2013

SJ and the Shovel Part II

SJ and The Shovel… continued through some Chaos, Comedy, and a little Magick. I might had fixed a few typos, but back then I had no idea anything abut SJ and actually thought sh was a man. Scott Sandridge joined in with little Wax Head Boy, who is jst strange. So here is part II and I hope you enjoy.
Shovel

MDG

Um, would Shovel like to play with Little Wax Boy Head. I think still have him around here somewhere from my days I spent waxing Target’s floors. He doesn’t talk as much as he used to….
Shhhhh SJ listen to me. I think some of these people are trying to get your shovel. We need to get out of here while we can. Before they catch on.

Meet me at midnight at the El Rancho Hotel in Gallup NM and bring the shovel.

SS
But Little Wax Boy Head wants to talk to Shovel weely weely badly…..

SJ
I’m sorry but the shovel will not be making any public appearences or doing any interviews until SJ signs this contract I have written up for him.

SS
Well, frakity-frak-frak-frakity.http://forum.sfreader.com/emoticons/cry.gif 

MDG

Okay

Little Wax Boy Head…hmmmm. We might have a few bodyguard positions opening up. We are expecting a lot of press when the shovel goes public. What does Little Wax Boy Head have it terms of a resume?
 
SS

Erm…he’s made of hardened wax, can be thrown, and whines a lot?

MDG

Hand me the J man

Ok sounds perfect

As long as I get the okay from the Shovel your in. LWBH will be in charge of crowd control and keeping the press at bay.

Does he need a cooler full of ice or anything? When we start to tour America we might be traveling through some hot regions. I would not want him to melt all over the new Italian shoes that I will soon be buying.

SS

 Yaaayyyy!

SJ
 
Help! Me and Shovel have been kidnapped! Not sure exactly where we are… Some scuzzy motel in the middle of a very dusty nowhere – does that help???

And that Mike guy is five shots of vodka short of a cocktail, for sure… Keeps patting me on the shoulder and asking ‘How we are today, SJ’ in that pseudo-saccharine voice of his that’s fooling NO ONE. Not even Little Wax Boy Head. While trying to push pills down my throat by putting them in my horse-burgers (it’s gotta be horse – no cow could ever taste that bad…).

And I now know why Scotty’s panting to get rid of Little Wax Boy Head. He never lets up! Goes on and on… Whining about all the floors he’s had to clean and how it’s time for the workers of the world to unite. And Mike has hired him as a bodyguard – well that’s a joke! In the temperatures we’re sweating under out here, he spends most of his time melting in a bucket. He’d make Mike’s mad Aunty Maud look hard… She’s the one that s’posed to be running this place. Meaning she mostly spends her time counting flies on the fly-paper and sweeping the piles of sand from one corner of the room to the other, while muttering under her breath. And making those horse-burgers.
Well, Shovel’s cogitating right now. Still pondering the mysteries of the Universe. But he’s also getting really ticked off with all of this stuff. And they’d better watch out. Cos if Mike and that Little Whining Boy Head go on causing all this grief – SHOVEL’S GOING TO MAKE THEM VERRRRY SORRY!!!

And me? I don’t want to be a bad person. I don’t want Shovel to do something he’ll regret. We just joined this forum for a better life – and NOW look what’s happened! So… if you happen to be passing through the tackiest, most rundown motel on the planet – look out for me and Shovel. He’s the shiny, intelligent one. I’m the aging blonde in wax-spattered jeans (LWBH doesn’t believe in personal space when he’s grizzling about how unfair the world is).

Help!

 El Rancho

MDG

LOL

Please pardon my friend, we are all fine out here. She has just been under a lot of stress while we work on our press package.

No one needs to worry about us SJ is just a little confused and this is very new to him. I think he is getting nervous about his soon to be obtained fame. I know the shovel is.

But let me clear up a few things. First off they are Mutton burgers from the Navajo Nation not horse burgers, those would cost way too much. I agree that hiring Little Wax Boy Head might have been a bad idea, but sometimes it is good to give shovel someone to talk to.

Even stranger, an odd sea gull has shown up in the middle of the desert. Ever time I get near he is always walking away, walking away. The Shovel says its name is Dahtoe, but I’m not sure how he knows that. I just wonder who it is working for. Does it have a spy cam?

I try to check, but it is always walking away, walking away and I can never catch it.
So to reiterate:

1. We are fine.
2. Don’t send help.
3. Let us know if you find out who owns a lost seagull.
4. Oh yes and if you do drop by bring lots of ice. I’m not sure how much longer LWBH is going to make it out here.

If you would like to so some of my more current Comedy on The Daily Discord, Click Here!

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Saturday, August 31, 2013

SJ and The Shovel Begins

Knucklehead’s Note:

In October of 2008 and English Writer Named Sarah Jane Higbee and Myself quite randomly, and with no real intention to do so, began a back and forth series of forum posts. If you asked me now, I couldn’t even tell you how or why they began, but it happened and even today SJ and I are still writing bizarre fiction together. So sit back and enjoy the beginning of SJ and the Shovel. I should also probably add that new members of the forum were stable hands and that is how the idea of having a shovel started.

SJ: My shovel… You mustn’t forget the shovel. Especially as I polished it, today. Again…


Mike: Hey you were supposed to turn that in.

I keep telling you that. Now the next new guys is going to have to use his hands and that is just nasty.
SJ: Not necessarily… After a while I used my hands – after my shovel whispered to me that he didn’t want to get dirty anymore.

Mike: Ok SJ. We’ve all come together here today to talk about your shovel. We’re your friends and we just wanted to first let you know that we are all here for you, but we also all think you and the shovel have been spending way too much time together. I think it is time for you to start leaving the shovel in the barn.

SJ: Noooo… It’s a SHY shovel. It doesn’t want any attention – other than mine of course. I’m the ONLY one that truly understand his needs and wants… And he DOESN’T want to spend another lonely and unloved night in the barn. HE NEEDS MEEEEEE…

Mike: Okay I have a plan, TA show her a drawing while CW distracts her with chocolate, then I am going in and trying to get that darn shovel.

Crystalwizard: That won’t work at all, Mike. The problem is, you see, that S.J. had that shovel surgically attached.

Bone in the Vast II

Mike: The Horror, The Horror

This is getting more complicated. We either been to find a surgeon or just little him forfill his destiny and become Lord OfThe Shovels. King of the Stables. Master of the Barn.

Just be careful going camping, people might ask to barrow the shovel when they have to do their business and that could get even more complicated.

SJ: want to know – who ratted me out to CW about Shovel and me and our little op??? Which we prefer to think of as a BONDING procedure, by the way.

And Mike – WHAT makes you think anyone is ever going to get anywhere near Shovel to dig holes? He prefers to express his creativity in OTHER more meaningful ways. And chocolate won’t do it, either… Shovel is allergic.

Mike:
Welllllllll…

We do have some nice rooms in the hospital where we work for people with ‘special’ attachments. But I think you should just become the Lord of Shovels Like I said. You shovel doesn’t have to get dirty then, you could just rule over the other shovels and make them do at the work. Would you be okay with that?

Now if you can just take these nice pills for me we can talk about it some more on the unit. The people in there are really nice. You’ll like them. Come on, it is just a few small pills. There are called Zeprexa and help people relax.

Turn in next week and meet Little Wax Head BOY!


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Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Motherroad Brewers attacked by Chaos

One day in early February in the year 2013, the minions of Chaos known as a The Daily Discord stormed the Motherroad Brewery in Flagstaff Arizona.


But this was no ordinary day, for the brews of the mighty Deschutes of Bend had traveled across the winter wastes to team up and brew a ale worthy of the Flagstaff/Oregon wormhole.

Deschutes Brewery - Bend, OR

You will learn so much more here. Not just about the brewers, but perhaps something about the nature of reality itself or at least how to survive the apocalypse and still have a cold one.
Check out Bacchanalian explosion Below!!

 

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Snowden Widens Asylum Search to All M-Class Planets




Snowden Widens Asylum Search to All M-Class Planets
   Somewhere— Denied refuge in any country on Earth, whistle-blower Edward Snowden is expanding his search to all planets the Hubble found to be earthlike. When explained how scientists can’t be sure of any planet’s habitability outside of our own solar system, Snowden wept.


Catch more Comedy Here!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Crawdads Protest Outside of Discord Tower By Alex Bone

Alex Bone
Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord Tower is under siege at this hour by America’s Western Crawdad Warfront Against the Repulsive Daily Discord (A.W.C.W.A.R.D.D.). CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, is currently holed up in his ivory tower. He’s trying to electrify the outside of the building to thwart the attacking crawdads as he apparently "saw it once on a Star Trek episode."

Kenny the Crawdad, best known for his posters promoting pre-adolescent smokers, said A.W.C.W.A.R.D.D. is gearing up to, "Use any means at our disposal to fight against Alex Bone and his crawdad hating lackeys at the Discord. And remember kids, smoking is cool."

Dr. William Lynn, a spokesman for the crawfish and advocate for mandatory euthanasia for the ugly, said, "Alex Bone has not only been boiling my clients alive and then eating their flesh, he is also very vocal in his tirades against these peaceful aquatic invertebrates."

Lynn told the press, "First off, we would like to see Alex Bone fired from the Discord and then pinched really hard over and over again for a week. The crawdads want him to be stripped naked, covered in butter, and then forced to wear a crawdad suit for a month while holding a sign stating how much he hates all snakes and Yig."

This just in:
The crawdads have grown bored and are scurrying away from the Discord Tower at this hour—as Mr. Winslow took his fourth two week vacation this month and isn’t even there.

As many readers are already aware, we need to be preparing for humanity’s final battle against the tripartite of evil, which is the Dark Alliance between the Crawdads, Migo, and Zombies. There is further information located here and here on this important matter. 

Crawdads are an invasive species destroying ecosystem after ecosystem. Hell, they’re worse than Republicans. They need to be stopped! Do your part, Citizen. Get some nets and purchase some bulk butter at Costco. Don’t worry if you don’ have a license, just explain to the park ranger you are fighting the good fight for Yig and for all of mankind.
And remember:

Service guarantees citizenship
Service Guarantees Citizenship      
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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Jack Primus, The Ghetto Shaman, and All the Chicken Wings they could eat Rally

Alex Bone
Washington, DC—On Oct. 30th The National Mall was packed wall-to-wall with celebrities attending the Shaman’s Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul. After a long weekend of bashing in the skulls of the foul Darcarre, Jack Primus swung east in support of the Discord’s cause.  Being a fictional character doesn’t stop Primus from doing any number of cool things on a given day. You know that dude, the world’s most interesting man, from those Dos Equis commercials? Jack Primus won’t return his calls.
Jack is the archetypal hero. He captured the new century’s zeitgeist and keeps it chained in his basement next to his morning star.  Primus rarely does interviews, but for the Discord…we paid him—virtual money, of course.
The rest of this post is courtesy of Mr. P himself:
Jack Primus
Jack Primus
The Ghetto Shaman has given his blessing to Yig.  He is truly wise. Since he’s been receiving death threats from both the Xemmoni underground and the Sharron Angle campaign—both sworn enemies of Yig—I decided to help out my old friend. He asked me to support his cause, protect him from the super natural forces that be, and, of course, buy him some malt liquor products. Actually, I only agreed if GS promised me a plug on the Discord to sell more books.  He also promised me all the chicken wings I could eat. The joke was really on them; I hid an extra eighty in my backpack on the way out.  I heard Zano is getting his “wages” garnished over that one. But GS told me he’s got Winslow wrapped around his little chicken wing and I could muscle-in whenever I wanted.
Ask The Ghetto Shaman
If what happened at the Mall on October 30th continues to plague America, you’re really going to need the Chronicles of Jack Primus.  It’s not just a book; it’s a survival guide for the coming apocalypse!
To rewind a bit, everything had started out well enough. The Discord was bussing people down to the event. The Ghetto Shaman was reading excerpts of Jack Primus to the cheering masses. But those who could not decipher the Primus Code, never got a bus ride home! This book was their return ticket, you see. Without it, they were forced to hang out at Capital City Brewing—that big dumb brewpub downtown; the one with small portions and rubbery chicken wings. If you get stuck down there and the Xemmoni or the Darcarre get you, don’t come bitching to me. You’ve been warned. They’re in all the major cities, and they tend to know when you know…you know? So now that you know, you better read this book and learn how to stay alive…and don’t order those chicken wings.
Jack with a knife
I probably shouldn’t have told you that. Can you edit that out, Winslow? Not the staying alive part, the other part about the wings. Sometimes they’re OK drowned in enough blue cheese dressing. But you should buy the book and try to stay alive, of course. Geesh.
So, you want to really know what happened on October 30th? Why GS needed me as he shifted into an alternate dimension? He isn’t called a Shaman for nothing. They did come after him that day—in mass, I might add. You see, anyone and everyone must guard his or her corporeal body during any exercise in soul travel, especially one this important.
When The Ghetto Shaman drank his potion on the Lincoln Memorial steps, those damn Darcarre moved in like bed bugs in an Econo Lodge.  They surrounded us, alongside their unwilling slave, Jeff “come-on-in-guys” Probst of Survivor fame. They didn’t want GS’s message to get out to the people.  They will derail any message resembling Yig’s.  Could you imagine what would have happened if GS told everyone on national television to dissolve our differences and embrace the All Father snake? Yep, you’re right, we’d all be in a state of bliss, with all hunger and wars a thing of the past. Don’t look at me like that… Snakes are all about bliss… duh.  Haven’t you ever read any Graham Hancock?
So when they came, I was ready, or at least I was after I wiped the BBQ sauce off my weapon hand.  GS even helped with the battle; he was pretty bad ass with those chicken bone nunchucks. We gave those Serial Killers a good licking, but the damage was done. They jammed the telecast and those other stooges claimed all the credit for the rally.
Why do you think the special wasn’t on television and they switched all the coverage to those Comedy Central dudes with the weird haircuts and no sideburns?  It was a diversion!  I kept the Shaman safe until the police…er, “took over.”
There you have it, right from the hero’s mouth.  Some call Primus a Yig-loving fictional freak. Whereas this is true, it’s still not a very nice thing to say. We would rather you stay alive, learn your enemy’s secrets, and read The Chronicles of Jack Primus.

Check out the Chronicles of Jack Primus here!

Jack Primus



Friday, May 10, 2013

Al Gore , Men In Green, and the HARP that will Destroy Earth!

Alex Bone
Collapsing Shack, AZ—This is some serious breaking news:  now that this distracting election is over, it’s time to push aside useless labels like Tea Bagger, Bleeding Heart Liberal, Limp-Wristed Cow-Kissing Independent, or Humanitarian Sheep-Humping Dingleberry. None of these things matter in the face of the 100 Angry Men and their lacky, nay, their leader, nay, their Supreme Allied Commander…Al Gore.

Al Gore , Men In Green, and the HARP that will Destroy Earth!
Sometimes the Discord actually breaks news instead of merely breaking news into ‘tiny shards of sensationalism’.  Google won’t verify anything I’m about to say, because they’re in on the conspiracy. Google has been manipulated by these angry men, also known as the mysterious Men In Green (MIG).  Only a small underground knows the truth. Through a mixture of ill luck, Odysseusian exhaustion, and booze, I found myself a participant in a plot that will surely shake the very core of human existence.

The other night one of these Men In Green ended up at The Green Room, my favorite bar.  I don’t know what they were looking for there, but what they found was some awesome drink specials and yours truly—a combination that would prove their undoing. I will tell you what I know.  If I disappear, they got to me…or, I got drunk.  I’m sure it’ll be one of the two. These MIGs have no country, but move throughout the world like shadows and, no, they don’t get felt up at airports; lucky bastards.

I got two of these MIG dudes drunk back at The Green Room and while they were in the can I accessed one of their laptops.  Apparently, these men control the wealth of the world and their word can change nations or economies overnight, to say nothing of extending all happy hours indefinitely!   So why was I buying all the beer?  Geesh, in retrospect, it’s a shame I spent most of the time logging into their Facebook pages to have all their friends befriend Jack Primus and The Daily Discord.  Hindsight is always 20/20, or in my case, a beer goggly 30/40.
I learned a lot perusing their files; suddenly everything made sense.  Do you really think we elected Bush twice?  It’s the game beneath the game.  Gore never wanted the presidency and then maneuvered Bush into a second term.  This was all part of the plan.  This group even allowed Fox lies to keep the ’04 election close enough so we wouldn’t suspect any foul play.   These Men In Green currently hate everyone except commies. These guys love commies. As they swerved away into the night their bumper sticker read: Pinko is the New Green.

I just heard something outside the window?  I hope it’s just the Ghetto Shaman trying to get me to buy him some more Robitussin.  Otherwise, they’re onto me.  I just hope I have enough time to send this off, finish this twelve-pack, and eat those last few slices of pizza from last night. Damn, that was a good spicy Hawaiian…
I almost forgot to put on my aluminum foil hat!  There, that should block their transmission for the few more minutes I’ll need.  They aren’t settling for just sucking the world’s resources dry, like some Bond villain.  These fiends believe the world is overpopulated so they mean to cull  the herd! That’s where Al Gore comes in.  He is their leader in the guise of an affable fool.  Their most treasured secret is this: Al Gore’s world shattering H.A.R.P.! You think Al Gore is against Global Warming, hah!  That’s nothing but another clever ruse. According to these Men In Green, Al Gore has a dreadful harp-like machine and when he plays this Human Apocalyptic Reprogramming Per-whatsas (H.A.R.P.)…well, lean in closer.  It actually causes global warming!

Why are they trying to kill us? That’s the creepy part. The truth is this: they like fluffy little animals better.  They think humans are all wicked and unredeemable.  Sure, it’s true, but it’s still not a nice thing to say.

I heard something again. I had better attach and send this document to Pierce Winslow before they set off another electro-magnetic pulse.  Shit…get another slice of pizza or warn mankind?  Damn you saucy pineappley yumminess!

So we have nothing to look forward to, other than these 100 Angry Men stealing as much money as they can and then destroying the world.  They’ll leave our planet a Road Warrior wasteland while they move into their mansions in Antarctica, party with Gwar, and laugh as the rest of the world becomes a lifeless desert.  Worse yet, they don’t seem to buy any rounds of alcohol despite almost C. Montgomery Burns levels of wealth!
I’d like to quote the Lord Humungus, “What a puny plan!” but I hear they are already booking flights to the South Pole.  They left Al Gore in the center of a hidden Tobacco patch, plucking away on his malign H.A.R.P. from Hell.  I emailed the above picture from their laptop to myself and then onward to The Daily Discord.  Do you think they’ll check their sent mail?  Damn.  I think they’re in the house now.

Still don’t believe me?  Well, I don’t give a pluck what you think. You’ll be playing a different tune when the oceans roll over the cities and the forests turn to dust. Don’t come running to me when that doomsday H.A.R.P plays its final stanza as our fingers grasp through the burning sands in the hopes of unearthing some old sandwiches or the warm beer of a dead world.
And always remember, It Could Happen to Harpo!

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Thursday, May 9, 2013

Arizona’s Crawdad Menace and Other Disturbing Observations

Alex Bone
Caved-in-Shack, AZ—Something deeply disturbing is happening in Arizona.  No, I’m not talking about Janet Brewer, Immigration laws, or Mick Zano’s naked bar crawls….I’m talking about something reaaalllly disturbing.  Back when I was shelling out ten bucks a bag in New Orleans for mini-lobsters known as crawdads, how could I have known a few years later these same bastards would be on the verge of destroying my state’s ecosystem?
In case you are unaware, crayfish or crawdads are not native to the states west of the Rockies, like funding for education and the arts.  Over the years, scores of intrepid crawdads died trying to traverse the Rockies.  Most eventually gave up and settled in Denver to open microbreweries…very small ones, obviously, or micro-microbreweries.
In a similar manner to the republican migration, crawdads have crept into the southwest and have invaded our delicate ecosystem with their big trucks and their wild tea parties. These evil little beasts have infected the streams and lakes in every part of my home state—not to mention their racially charged immigration bills.
Similar to the red state’s pro-Christian stance, many of these crayfish were introduced through a misconception of facts. A statewide program for seventh-graders had the children studying these, nearly impossible to kill, cockroaches from hell. Then, at the end of the school year, in a truly misguided attempt at environmentalism, teachers had their students dump this destructive invasive species into every stream and pond across our fair state.  This is why eco-friendly people are often only slightly more devastating to our planet than the Sarah Palin’s of the world.  Hey, maybe Sarah can shoot crawdads from her chopper?
Once in our formally tranquil waters, these demonic (yet tasty) crayfish begin to devour everything in their path, much like laws enacted by our governor’s red pen.  Soon all aquatic life is killed off.  After this eradication comes the demise of all plant life. Without plants there is nothing to recycle to carbon dioxide other than algae—not to mention, there’s nothing to smoke. This turns clear streams and lakes into murky dark pools, where the crawfish now have no choice other than to eat each other in a dark cannibalistic frenzy, not dissimilar to Zano’s naked bar crawls.
Once in our formally tranquil waters, these demonic (yet tasty) crayfish begin to devour everything in their path, much like laws enacted by our governor’s red pen.  Soon all aquatic life is killed off.  After this eradication comes the demise of all plant life. Without plants there is nothing to recycle to carbon dioxide other than algae—not to mention, there’s nothing to smoke. This turns clear streams and lakes into murky dark pools, where the crawfish now have no choice other than to eat each other in a dark cannibalistic frenzy, not dissimilar to Zano’s naked bar crawls.
 
As a follower of Yig, I find the loss of frogs and other amphibians across our state the most depressing aspect of this crustacean invasion. Even the most selfish swimmer cannot be enjoying a wade into the murk with crawfish nipping at your toes, unless they’re trying to save money on a pedicure.
 
So what can we do to stem the tide of evil and death that is sweeping over the west? The answer is simple. All crawfish must be boiled alive and eaten, preferably with butter sauce.  Boil that crayfish, boil that crayfish. Boil! Boil!  Devour those selfish shellfish, munch on those crusty-aceans, cook those lobster mobsters, can those crabby…I’m being told to stop.
It is only fitting that we, the species responsible for started this plague, sacrifice our time to eat as many of these delicious morsels as possible. It’s a rough job, but sometimes sacrifices must be made. And, if such sacrifices involve eating endless piles of buttery white meat that tastes like lobster, then so be it.
Leave no stone unturned!  (Literally.)
So, my fellow Americans, pick up your nets, your traps, your spears, and maybe some of those concealed handguns, and let’s go crawdadding!  Book your Coconino County Crawdad Chopper Safari with Alex Bone today!

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