Philadelphia, PA—The
Daily Discord Tower is under siege at this hour by America’s Western
Crawdad Warfront Against the Repulsive Daily Discord (A.W.C.W.A.R.D.D.).
CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, is currently holed up in his ivory
tower. He’s trying to electrify the outside of the building to thwart
the attacking crawdads as he apparently "saw it once on a Star Trek episode."
Kenny the Crawdad, best known for his posters
promoting pre-adolescent smokers, said A.W.C.W.A.R.D.D. is gearing up
to, "Use any means at our disposal to fight against Alex Bone and his
crawdad hating lackeys at the Discord. And remember kids, smoking is
cool."
Dr. William Lynn, a spokesman for the crawfish and
advocate for mandatory euthanasia for the ugly, said, "Alex Bone has not
only been boiling my clients alive and then eating their flesh, he is
also very vocal in his tirades against these peaceful aquatic
invertebrates."
Lynn told the press, "First off, we would like to see
Alex Bone fired from the Discord and then pinched really hard over and
over again for a week. The crawdads want him to be stripped naked,
covered in butter, and then forced to wear a crawdad suit for a month
while holding a sign stating how much he hates all snakes and Yig."
This just in:
The crawdads have grown bored and are scurrying away
from the Discord Tower at this hour—as Mr. Winslow took his fourth two
week vacation this month and isn’t even there.
As many readers are already aware, we need to be
preparing for humanity’s final battle against the tripartite of evil,
which is the Dark Alliance between the Crawdads, Migo, and Zombies.
There is further information located here and here on this important matter.
Crawdads are an invasive species destroying ecosystem
after ecosystem. Hell, they’re worse than Republicans. They need to be
stopped! Do your part, Citizen. Get some nets and purchase some bulk
butter at Costco. Don’t worry if you don’ have a license, just explain
to the park ranger you are fighting the good fight for Yig and for all
of mankind.
And remember:
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