Caved-in-Shack, AZ—Something deeply disturbing is happening in
Arizona. No, I’m not talking about Janet Brewer, Immigration laws, or
Mick Zano’s naked bar crawls….I’m talking about something
reaaalllly disturbing
.
Back when I was shelling out ten bucks a bag in New Orleans for
mini-lobsters known as crawdads, how could I have known a few years
later these same bastards would be on the verge of destroying my state’s
ecosystem?
In case you are unaware, crayfish or crawdads are not native to the
states west of the Rockies, like funding for education and the arts.
Over the years, scores of intrepid crawdads died trying to traverse the
Rockies. Most eventually gave up and settled in Denver to open
microbreweries…very small ones, obviously, or micro-microbreweries.
In a similar manner to the republican migration, crawdads have crept
into the southwest and have invaded our delicate ecosystem with their
big trucks and their wild tea parties. These evil little beasts have
infected the streams and lakes in every part of my home state—not to
mention their racially charged immigration bills.
Similar to the red state’s pro-Christian stance, many of these
crayfish were introduced through a misconception of facts. A statewide
program for seventh-graders had the children studying these, nearly
impossible to kill, cockroaches from hell. Then, at the end of the
school year, in a truly misguided attempt at environmentalism, teachers
had their students dump this destructive invasive species into every
stream and pond across our fair state. This is why eco-friendly people
are often only slightly more devastating to our planet than the Sarah
Palin’s of the world. Hey, maybe Sarah can shoot crawdads from her
chopper?
Once
in our formally tranquil waters, these demonic (yet tasty) crayfish
begin to devour everything in their path, much like laws enacted by our
governor’s red pen. Soon all aquatic life is killed off. After this
eradication comes the demise of all plant life. Without plants there is
nothing to recycle to carbon dioxide other than algae—not to mention,
there’s nothing to smoke. This turns clear streams and lakes into murky
dark pools, where the crawfish now have no choice other than to eat each
other in a dark cannibalistic frenzy, not dissimilar to Zano’s naked
bar crawls.
Once in our formally tranquil waters, these demonic (yet tasty)
crayfish begin to devour everything in their path, much like laws
enacted by our governor’s red pen. Soon all aquatic life is killed
off. After this eradication comes the demise of all plant life. Without
plants there is nothing to recycle to carbon dioxide other than
algae—not to mention, there’s nothing to smoke. This turns clear streams
and lakes into murky dark pools, where the crawfish now have no choice
other than to eat each other in a dark cannibalistic frenzy, not
dissimilar to Zano’s naked bar crawls.
As a follower of Yig, I find the loss of frogs and other amphibians
across our state the most depressing aspect of this crustacean invasion.
Even the most selfish swimmer cannot be enjoying a wade into the murk
with crawfish nipping at your toes, unless they’re trying to save money
on a pedicure.
So what can we do to stem the tide of evil and death that is sweeping
over the west? The answer is simple. All crawfish must be boiled alive
and eaten, preferably with butter sauce. Boil that crayfish, boil that
crayfish. Boil! Boil! Devour those selfish shellfish, munch on those
crusty-aceans, cook those lobster mobsters, can those crabby…I’m being
told to stop.
It is only fitting that we, the species responsible for started this
plague, sacrifice our time to eat as many of these delicious morsels as
possible. It’s a rough job, but sometimes sacrifices must be made. And,
if such sacrifices involve eating endless piles of buttery white meat
that tastes like lobster, then so be it.
Leave no stone unturned! (Literally.)
So, my fellow Americans, pick up your nets, your traps, your spears,
and maybe some of those concealed handguns, and let’s go crawdadding!
Book your Coconino County Crawdad Chopper Safari with Alex Bone today!
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