Discord Celebrates First Accurate GOP Prediction of 21st Century

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SJ and the Shovel Part II

SJ and The Shovel… continued through some Chaos, Comedy, and a little Magick. I might had fixed a few typos, but back then I had no idea anything abut SJ and actually thought sh was a man. Scott Sandridge joined in with little Wax Head Boy, who is jst strange. So here is part II and I hope you enjoy.

MDG

Um, would Shovel like to play with Little Wax Boy Head. I think still have him around here somewhere from my days I spent waxing Target’s floors. He doesn’t talk as much as he used to….

Shhhhh SJ listen to me. I think some of these people are trying to get your shovel. We need to get out of here while we can. Before they catch on.

Meet me at midnight at the El Rancho Hotel in Gallup NM and bring the shovel.

SS

But Little Wax Boy Head wants to talk to Shovel weely weely badly…..

SJ

I’m sorry but the shovel will not be making any public appearences or doing any interviews until SJ signs this contract I have written up for him.

SS

Well, frakity-frak-frak-frakity. 

MDG

Okay

Little Wax Boy Head…hmmmm. We might have a few bodyguard positions opening up. We are expecting a lot of press when the shovel goes public. What does Little Wax Boy Head have it terms of a resume?
 

SS

Erm…he’s made of hardened wax, can be thrown, and whines a lot?

MDG

Ok sounds perfect

As long as I get the okay from the Shovel your in. LWBH will be in charge of crowd control and keeping the press at bay.

Does he need a cooler full of ice or anything? When we start to tour America we might be traveling through some hot regions. I would not want him to melt all over the new Italian shoes that I will soon be buying.

SS

 Yaaayyyy!

SJ

 

Help! Me and Shovel have been kidnapped! Not sure exactly where we are… Some scuzzy motel in the middle of a very dusty nowhere – does that help???

And that Mike guy is five shots of vodka short of a cocktail, for sure… Keeps patting me on the shoulder and asking ‘How we are today, SJ’ in that pseudo-saccharine voice of his that’s fooling NO ONE. Not even Little Wax Boy Head. While trying to push pills down my throat by putting them in my horse-burgers (it’s gotta be horse – no cow could ever taste that bad…).

And I now know why Scotty’s panting to get rid of Little Wax Boy Head. He never lets up! Goes on and on… Whining about all the floors he’s had to clean and how it’s time for the workers of the world to unite. And Mike has hired him as a bodyguard – well that’s a joke! In the temperatures we’re sweating under out here, he spends most of his time melting in a bucket. He’d make Mike’s mad Aunty Maud look hard… She’s the one that s’posed to be running this place. Meaning she mostly spends her time counting flies on the fly-paper and sweeping the piles of sand from one corner of the room to the other, while muttering under her breath. And making those horse-burgers.
Well, Shovel’s cogitating right now. Still pondering the mysteries of the Universe. But he’s also getting really ticked off with all of this stuff. And they’d better watch out. Cos if Mike and that Little Whining Boy Head go on causing all this grief – SHOVEL’S GOING TO MAKE THEM VERRRRY SORRY!!!

And me? I don’t want to be a bad person. I don’t want Shovel to do something he’ll regret. We just joined this forum for a better life – and NOW look what’s happened! So… if you happen to be passing through the tackiest, most rundown motel on the planet – look out for me and Shovel. He’s the shiny, intelligent one. I’m the aging blonde in wax-spattered jeans (LWBH doesn’t believe in personal space when he’s grizzling about how unfair the world is).

Help!

 

MDG

LOL

Please pardon my friend, we are all fine out here. She has just been under a lot of stress while we work on our press package.

No one needs to worry about us SJ is just a little confused and this is very new to him. I think he is getting nervous about his soon to be obtained fame. I know the shovel is.

But let me clear up a few things. First off they are Mutton burgers from the Navajo Nation not horse burgers, those would cost way too much. I agree that hiring Little Wax Boy Head might have been a bad idea, but sometimes it is good to give shovel someone to talk to.

Even stranger, an odd sea gull has shown up in the middle of the desert. Ever time I get near he is always walking away, walking away. The Shovel says its name is Dahtoe, but I’m not sure how he knows that. I just wonder who it is working for. Does it have a spy cam?

I try to check, but it is always walking away, walking away and I can never catch it.
So to reiterate:

1. We are fine.
2. Don’t send help.
3. Let us know if you find out who owns a lost seagull.
4. Oh yes and if you do drop by bring lots of ice. I’m not sure how much longer LWBH is going to make it out here.

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Eternal Aftermath

BY

Michael D. Griffiths

It is five years deep into the Zombie Apocalypse when Devon and his allies attempt to free themselves from the oppressive military base that has housed them since the plague began. Their group is betrayed and General Sulter uses Devon to set an example for others. Once Devon is stripped of his weapons, socks, and shoes, he is dumped into the middle of zombie filled Tucson and things get worse from there.

 It is five years deep into the Zombie Apocalypse when Devon attempts to free himself from the oppressive military base that has housed him. He is betrayed &Devon is stripped of his weapons, socks, and shoes, he is dumped into the middle of zombie filled Tucson and things get worse from there. 

 

Enter the Eternal Aftermath and join Devon as he moves from just trying to stay alive to daring to hope that he can somehow free Tucson and rebuild civilization, one survivor at a time.

See the new Video featuring the author below!

Check out what happens when Zombie Author Michael D. Griffiths Enters the Eternal Aftermath right now!

Breaking their way in

Eternal Aftermath II, No Haven

More than five years has passed since humanity fell and then stood back up cold, dead, and hungry. Devon has survived through the Zombie Apocalypse long enough to gather stalwart allies, but will his struggling group of refugees be enough to fight off the only things more dangerous than the stumbling hordes of undead—the mad man that seek to rule over the scraps of the old world.

Devon is different, instead of looking back, he seeks to move forward. Build a utopia that was never before possible. He has claimed the Sonoran Desert for his group. Yet, with multiple armies organizing against him and swarms of zombies covering the lands, will he even be able to keep the people he has gathered alive?

Check out the more intense Zombie series of the decade and enter

The Eternal Aftermath

Mar Imprisoned

SJ and The Shovel Begins

Knucklehead’s Note:

In October of 2008 and English Writer Named Sarah Jane Higbee and Myself quite randomly, and with no real intention to do so, began a back and forth series of forum posts. If you asked me now, I couldn’t even tell you how or why they began, but it happened and even today SJ and I are still writing bizarre fiction together. So sit back and enjoy the beginning of SJ and the Shovel. I should also probably add that new members of the forum were stable hands and that is how the idea of having a shovel started.

SJ: My shovel… You mustn’t forget the shovel. Especially as I polished it, today. Again…


Mike: Hey you were supposed to turn that in.

I keep telling you that. Now the next new guys is going to have to use his hands and that is just nasty.
SJ: Not necessarily… After a while I used my hands – after my shovel whispered to me that he didn’t want to get dirty anymore.

Mike: Ok SJ. We’ve all come together here today to talk about your shovel. We’re your friends and we just wanted to first let you know that we are all here for you, but we also all think you and the shovel have been spending way too much time together. I think it is time for you to start leaving the shovel in the barn.

SJ: Noooo… It’s a SHY shovel. It doesn’t want any attention – other than mine of course. I’m the ONLY one that truly understand his needs and wants… And he DOESN’T want to spend another lonely and unloved night in the barn. HE NEEDS MEEEEEE…

Mike: Okay I have a plan, TA show her a drawing while CW distracts her with chocolate, then I am going in and trying to get that darn shovel.

Crystalwizard: That won’t work at all, Mike. The problem is, you see, that S.J. had that shovel surgically attached.

Mike: The Horror, The Horror

This is getting more complicated. We either been to find a surgeon or just little him forfill his destiny and become Lord OfThe Shovels. King of the Stables. Master of the Barn.

Just be careful going camping, people might ask to barrow the shovel when they have to do their business and that could get even more complicated.

SJ: want to know – who ratted me out to CW about Shovel and me and our little op??? Which we prefer to think of as a BONDING procedure, by the way.

And Mike – WHAT makes you think anyone is ever going to get anywhere near Shovel to dig holes? He prefers to express his creativity in OTHER more meaningful ways. And chocolate won’t do it, either… Shovel is allergic.

Mike:
Welllllllll…

We do have some nice rooms in the hospital where we work for people with ‘special’ attachments. But I think you should just become the Lord of Shovels Like I said. You shovel doesn’t have to get dirty then, you could just rule over the other shovels and make them do at the work. Would you be okay with that?

Now if you can just take these nice pills for me we can talk about it some more on the unit. The people in there are really nice. You’ll like them. Come on, it is just a few small pills. There are called Zeprexa and help people relax.

Turn in next week and meet Little Wax Head BOY!

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Winslow Removes the Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Zano’s Office

Collapsing Shack, AZ—After losing dozens of potentially talented reporters and multiple lawsuits, the Daily Discord’s CEO finally moved the official Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Mick Zano’s office. “This latest list of atrocities and abuses marked the last straw,” said CEO Pierce Winslow. “And this time I mean it!”

As a result, threats, blubbering, and attempted bribery were heard echoing up and down the halls of Discord Central today.

“What can you expect?” said Winslow. “Do you see a lot of women working here? Guess why that is? Yep, it’s because either Mick Zano or the Ghetto Shaman scares them off. That and the fact we have no toilets in the rest room. And don’t even get me started on what they make the interns do. At this point, the only college that still sends us any is that damn Hogbein Institute and Multiplex. And the last one I got from there thought the World Wide Web was something from the Lord of the Rings.”

In his defense, Zano brought up the fact Cokie McGrath still worked for the Discord, “so we can’t be all bad.”

Winslow then pointed out the fact McGrath has filed no less than seven restraining orders against Zano and is even beginning to doubt whether or not he can truly “make her a star.”

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When Zano was given a chance for a rebuttal, he had this to say. “This is completely unfair. Four of those restraining orders are completely unjustified.” And somewhere in the background someone did that badha bah, drum thing.

“Winslow could have at least waited until the Swedish exchange student bikini team had finished their tour,” added the Shaman.

Winslow countered by saying, “and I’m taking away that damn Badha bah drummer too!”

I caught up to local horror writer Michael D. Griffiths, who tends to lurk around the office looking for free pastries, and asked him if he knew of any inappropriate behavior going on within the halls of the Discord.

“Umm, as long as begging, screaming, panting, grunting, bribing, pleading, demanding, hanging up porn calendars, third party harassment, quid pro quo, inappropriate emails, asking to wife swap, hanging up flyers for office orgies, giving crude gifts, pinching, hugging, froughting, naughty pantomiming, knee licking, trying to get other employee to give out their daughter’s cell numbers, and hiring topless dancers for lunch breaks are okay, then I think these guys are pretty well behaved,” said Griffiths.

Mr. Griffiths later admitted, however, the Ghetto Shaman’s list would be “considerably longer.”

So as you can see, even with the loss of the infamous Casting Couch not much will probably change around Discord Central. When we asked Winslow where it would go, he said he was considering giving the couch to the Crank. “That guy needs something to cheer him up.”

Now you have to excuse me, the Crank is researching which bar has the best PBR pour in Mesa and the new interns from the institute are due to arrive any minute. Can you open a locked door with a church key? I mean they must call them keys for some reason.

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Labor & Industry, CPS Descend on Wonka Factory

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So Dionysus, a Viking, and a girl with Goggle eyes walk into a bar.

I'm giving this a big shout out. What happens when Dionysus, a Viking, and a girl with Goggle eyes walk into a bar. 

 

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Explore the horror of Arizona's Bonefoot if you dare! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lA92OHnfuTg

Come check our first official Video from The Daily Discord.

And Discover Arizona's own Bigfoot!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lA92OHnfuTg

 

Top Ten Reasons Face Book Sucks

1. You see faces.

2. You share too much.

3. Your mistress always wants to befriend you.

4. You share way too much.

 

5. Your mother finds out about your strange attraction to dolphins.

6. Kim Jong-un has more friends than you, in America.

 

7. You get tagged in the gay bestiality rodeo.

8. The cops sequester your page to prove your link to the crawdad smuggling underground.

9. Your drunken Face Book post ends up in the agency newsletter.

10, That shit on your home page makes the gay bestiality rodeo seem good.

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God Targeting the Tea Party with Hail and Shit

Granbury, TX—In a flurry of meteorological wrath, God unleashed hail, lightening, and high winds this week on predominately Republican neighborhoods as he looked on with his patented indifference.

"I don’t like the bastards," explained God. "They’re hypocrites. Don’t say you’re doing shit in my name when you’re doing the exact opposite."

When God was asked about the potential for going all ‘Noah flood’ or ‘Sodom and Gomorrah’ on their asses, God replied, "Noah options are off the table." He then laughed at his own joke, loudly. "Look, I’m not trying to be a dick about this, but I always target Tea Party and Republican neighborhoods. Square states are Darwin’s shooting range."

When asked about ideological incompatibilities, God said, "I love Darwin, the monkey loving F&*K. But do not cut that Noah pun out, Winslow! I can still smite shit!"

When asked about the fairness of targeting entire towns for the poor behavior of a few, God said, "Sure you’re going to get some liberal collateral damage. There are known knowns, things we know that we know, known unknowns, Hah! Damn I miss Rumsfeld. Shame he’s heading south. Truth be told, I don’t really care for people in general. I believe I made that clear in the Old Testament."

As an omnipotent being, God’s Rumsfeld quote makes little sense in the context of....Aaaaaaah!!

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Jack Primus, The Ghetto Shaman, and All the Chicken Wings they could eat Rally

Washington, DC—On Oct. 30^th The National Mall was packed wall-to-wall with celebrities attending the Shaman’s Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul. After a long weekend of bashing in the skulls of the foul Darcarre, Jack Primus swung east in support of the Discord’s cause.  Being a fictional character doesn’t stop Primus from doing any number of cool things on a given day. You know that dude, the world’s most interesting man, from those Dos Equis commercials? Jack Primus won’t return his calls.

Jack is the archetypal hero. He captured the new century’s zeitgeist and keeps it chained in his basement next to his morning star.  Primus rarely does interviews, but for the Discord…we paid him—virtual money, of course.
The rest of this post is courtesy of Mr. P himself:

Jack Primus

The Ghetto Shaman has given his blessing to Yig.  He is truly wise. Since he’s been receiving death threats from both the Xemmoni underground and the Sharron Angle campaign—both sworn enemies of Yig—I decided to help out my old friend. He asked me to support his cause, protect him from the super natural forces that be, and, of course, buy him some malt liquor products. Actually, I only agreed if GS promised me a plug on the Discord to sell more books.  He also promised me all the chicken wings I could eat. The joke was really on them; I hid an extra eighty in my backpack on the way out.  I heard Zano is getting his “wages” garnished over that one. But GS told me he’s got Winslow wrapped around his little chicken wing and I could muscle-in whenever I wanted.

If what happened at the Mall on October 30th continues to plague America, you’re really going to need the Chronicles of Jack Primus.  It’s not just a book; it’s a survival guide for the coming apocalypse!
To rewind a bit, everything had started out well enough. The Discord was bussing people down to the event. The Ghetto Shaman was reading excerpts of Jack Primus to the cheering masses. But those who could not decipher the Primus Code, never got a bus ride home! This book was their return ticket, you see. Without it, they were forced to hang out at Capital City Brewing—that big dumb brewpub downtown; the one with small portions and rubbery chicken wings. If you get stuck down there and the Xemmoni or the Darcarre get you, don’t come bitching to me. You’ve been warned. They’re in all the major cities, and they tend to know when you know…you know? So now that you know, you better read this book and learn how to stay alive…and don’t order those chicken wings.

I probably shouldn’t have told you that. Can you edit that out, Winslow? Not the staying alive part, the other part about the wings. Sometimes they’re OK drowned in enough blue cheese dressing. But you should buy the book and try to stay alive, of course. Geesh.
So, you want to really know what happened on October 30th? Why GS needed me as he shifted into an alternate dimension? He isn’t called a Shaman for nothing. They did come after him that day—in mass, I might add. You see, anyone and everyone must guard his or her corporeal body during any exercise in soul travel, especially one this important.
When The Ghetto Shaman drank his potion on the Lincoln Memorial steps, those damn Darcarre moved in like bed bugs in an Econo Lodge.  They surrounded us, alongside their unwilling slave, Jeff “come-on-in-guys” Probst of Survivor fame. They didn’t want GS’s message to get out to the people.  They will derail any message resembling Yig’s.  Could you imagine what would have happened if GS told everyone on national television to dissolve our differences and embrace the All Father snake? Yep, you’re right, we’d all be in a state of bliss, with all hunger and wars a thing of the past. Don’t look at me like that… Snakes are all about bliss… duh.  Haven’t you ever read any Graham Hancock?

So when they came, I was ready, or at least I was after I wiped the BBQ sauce off my weapon hand.  GS even helped with the battle; he was pretty bad ass with those chicken bone nunchucks. We gave those Serial Killers a good licking, but the damage was done. They jammed the telecast and those other stooges claimed all the credit for the rally.
Why do you think the special wasn’t on television and they switched all the coverage to those Comedy Central dudes with the weird haircuts and no sideburns?  It was a diversion!  I kept the Shaman safe until the police…er, “took over.”
There you have it, right from the hero’s mouth.  Some call Primus a Yig-loving fictional freak. Whereas this is true, it’s still not a very nice thing to say. We would rather you stay alive, learn your enemy’s secrets, and read The Chronicles of Jack Primus.

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Mother Road Brewing and Deschutes Unite! By Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Mother Road Brewing made the fatal mistake of informing The Daily Discord about an important event. On February 5th they combined forces with Oregon’s Deschutes Brewery to brew one spectacular Super Brew. It’s kind of like that Wonder Twins thing, but instead of rings they use vats. Wonder Twins activate, form of ethanol! Video preview at the end of the article! And, yes, we will be releasing the entire video on this momentous day, theoretically soon. For some history, about a year ago there were only four brewpubs in Flagstaff. Mogollon Brewing recently closed, but three more cropped up in its place, which begs the question is slaying a brewery like killing the hydra? You lop off a head only to find more sudsy heads emerging in its place? Hey, just be thankful I didn’t go with my original Mead-dusa joke. You would have immediately turned to Stone...Brewing. Zano, anymore puns like that and YOU’RE FIRED!! Sincerely, Pierce X. Winslow, CEO Hey, I’m working here... Anyway, it all started when the Discord crew attended the local Brew Ha-Ha on January 19th—which is also where we found and hired our new cameraman Greg, who hence forth shall be known as Greg! Alex Bone, Cokie McGrath, Mick Zano and The Pharmacists at Brew Ha-Ha Yeah, I’ve been working out a little. Actually, that guy in the back tried to photo bomb us, so we showed him...by turning him into me! Take that, brew fest photo bomb dude. I didn’t cover the Brew Ha-Ha for the Discord this year—not because it wasn’t fun—it’s just I’m getting lazy in my old age. If you want to get the true flavor of Flagstaff’s premier winter beer festival, check out my coverage from last year here. Oh, but when my agency’s CEO made a surprise appearance this year, for my day job, I was just thankful the gang talked me out of my "great idea". "Hey everyone, let’s all run up to him and dump our beers on his head like it’s Gatorade and we’d just won the big game!" Yeah, my friends...I’m kind of surprised they stopped me. Meanwhile, at the Brew Ha-Ha we ran into the founder of Mother Road Brewing, Michael Marquess. He is already a bit too familiar with the Discord gang, but despite this fact remained shortsighted enough to tell us about his little Deschutes collaboration thing on the 5th. The idea was for Deschutes personnel to drive from Bend Oregon to Flagstaff Arizona and pair up with Mother Road as part of their initiative to support your local brewery. Mike started brewing as a hobby in 2000 but now, 13 years later, his shiny new brewery was just recognized by the city of Flagstaff as the Business of the Year—narrowly beating out The Daily Discord, which has over 11 viewers, because our fans go to 11! Mr. Marquess was then presented with the key to the city, which in retrospect the Mayor now regrets as he got the town as far as Sedona before being pulled over by police. It’s sad, really, because no matter how big The Discord gets I can’t see the Mayor handing us anything. That bridge has sailed...or something. We were able to corner Mike for an interview and here’s how it all went down: Zano: I have only one question for the founder: why, night after night, do you serve this man (pointing to Alex Bone) when you know what’s going to happen? Isn’t doing the same thing over and over again the definition of insanity? Marquess: My license states I have to treat and serve everyone fairly, even when he is—shall we say—less than himself. Bone: (towering over both of us) I’m more than myself! Zano: I just want to say, your black IPA is phenomenal, your recent Anniversary brew is phenomenal, you are a real up and coming brewery in this little town. Wouldn’t you say your black IPA is your signature beer? Marquess: Yes. Zano: Then please tell me how do you brew a black pale ale? That’s an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp or ...wait, I have more. I prepared them (Zano reaches into pocket). Marquess: We can argue all day about Cascadia ale, American black ale, so just call my beer Lost Highway— Bone: I saw the movie Lost Highway. Marquess: —keep drinking it, and we can agree to disagree on whether you can call it a pale, or black, or whatever the hell it is. Zano: I love this man! Marquess: We like you guys too, but please stop downloading that stuff you’re downloading off our free internet. I keep getting letters from my internet service provider. (Our answer to this important accusation is best left to our video response. Hint: it involves dolphins.) Alex Bone then interviewed Casey Carhart of Deschutes Brewery and asked him questions ranging from demonic possessions to zombie apocalypses. Bone isn’t well. Alex Bone, Mick Zano, and Casey Carhart of Deschutes Brewery This is another reason I Iove Deschutes. Doesn’t this sound like the perfect event? The video captures more of our antics and our ultimate ejection, but we really feel we accomplished some important work that day, or at least that’s what we keep telling ourselves... Our official apology to both breweries is included in the video, coming soon! Check your spam folder. Until then here’s the opening. Enjoy.

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Aliens Set to Invade Earth but Decide it isn’t Worth the Bother

Collapsing shack Arizona: After traveling over 300 light years and listening to the same songs 10,000,000,000 times, the invasion force from the planet Gloom 666 has turned around and decided to head back home.

 

When asked why they made the choice to return to their world without invading ours, their Admiral Wigaling had this to say. “First off this place smells. Normally we go in and steal resources, but there are barely enough here to bother. We like stealing cultures as well, but again… once we saw what you had to offer, it was another big, why bother. And don’t even get me started on your women… I’ve seen less entitlement from the twin princesses of Mollun 5.”

 

When I pointed out the huge tracks of virgin forest in Alaska and other wondrous natural resources we still had, he looked at me like I was insane and said, “What is the matter with you? You act like you want to be attacked and have your existence completely destroyed.  Are you an idiot or something? I feel like attacking your planet just so I can kill your dumb ass.”

For some reason the United Nations expelled me from the conference after that. But I think we have all learned a valuable lesson here. There is an upside to environmental destruction. Yes, just like how I avoid identify theft by having an identity no one would want, we are now protecting our lifestyles by making our Earth so useless that domination conquest will pass us right by. I might even have to vote Republican next election.

 

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