Mother Road Brewing and Deschutes Unite! By Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Mother Road Brewing made the fatal mistake of informing The Daily Discord about an important event. On February 5th they combined forces with Oregon’s Deschutes Brewery to brew one spectacular Super Brew. It’s kind of like that Wonder Twins thing, but instead of rings they use vats. Wonder Twins activate, form of ethanol! Video preview at the end of the article! And, yes, we will be releasing the entire video on this momentous day, theoretically soon. For some history, about a year ago there were only four brewpubs in Flagstaff. Mogollon Brewing recently closed, but three more cropped up in its place, which begs the question is slaying a brewery like killing the hydra? You lop off a head only to find more sudsy heads emerging in its place? Hey, just be thankful I didn’t go with my original Mead-dusa joke. You would have immediately turned to Stone...Brewing. Zano, anymore puns like that and YOU’RE FIRED!! Sincerely, Pierce X. Winslow, CEO Hey, I’m working here... Anyway, it all started when the Discord crew attended the local Brew Ha-Ha on January 19th—which is also where we found and hired our new cameraman Greg, who hence forth shall be known as Greg! Alex Bone, Cokie McGrath, Mick Zano and The Pharmacists at Brew Ha-Ha Yeah, I’ve been working out a little. Actually, that guy in the back tried to photo bomb us, so we showed him...by turning him into me! Take that, brew fest photo bomb dude. I didn’t cover the Brew Ha-Ha for the Discord this year—not because it wasn’t fun—it’s just I’m getting lazy in my old age. If you want to get the true flavor of Flagstaff’s premier winter beer festival, check out my coverage from last year here. Oh, but when my agency’s CEO made a surprise appearance this year, for my day job, I was just thankful the gang talked me out of my "great idea". "Hey everyone, let’s all run up to him and dump our beers on his head like it’s Gatorade and we’d just won the big game!" Yeah, my friends...I’m kind of surprised they stopped me. Meanwhile, at the Brew Ha-Ha we ran into the founder of Mother Road Brewing, Michael Marquess. He is already a bit too familiar with the Discord gang, but despite this fact remained shortsighted enough to tell us about his little Deschutes collaboration thing on the 5th. The idea was for Deschutes personnel to drive from Bend Oregon to Flagstaff Arizona and pair up with Mother Road as part of their initiative to support your local brewery. Mike started brewing as a hobby in 2000 but now, 13 years later, his shiny new brewery was just recognized by the city of Flagstaff as the Business of the Year—narrowly beating out The Daily Discord, which has over 11 viewers, because our fans go to 11! Mr. Marquess was then presented with the key to the city, which in retrospect the Mayor now regrets as he got the town as far as Sedona before being pulled over by police. It’s sad, really, because no matter how big The Discord gets I can’t see the Mayor handing us anything. That bridge has sailed...or something. We were able to corner Mike for an interview and here’s how it all went down: Zano: I have only one question for the founder: why, night after night, do you serve this man (pointing to Alex Bone) when you know what’s going to happen? Isn’t doing the same thing over and over again the definition of insanity? Marquess: My license states I have to treat and serve everyone fairly, even when he is—shall we say—less than himself. Bone: (towering over both of us) I’m more than myself! Zano: I just want to say, your black IPA is phenomenal, your recent Anniversary brew is phenomenal, you are a real up and coming brewery in this little town. Wouldn’t you say your black IPA is your signature beer? Marquess: Yes. Zano: Then please tell me how do you brew a black pale ale? That’s an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp or ...wait, I have more. I prepared them (Zano reaches into pocket). Marquess: We can argue all day about Cascadia ale, American black ale, so just call my beer Lost Highway— Bone: I saw the movie Lost Highway. Marquess: —keep drinking it, and we can agree to disagree on whether you can call it a pale, or black, or whatever the hell it is. Zano: I love this man! Marquess: We like you guys too, but please stop downloading that stuff you’re downloading off our free internet. I keep getting letters from my internet service provider. (Our answer to this important accusation is best left to our video response. Hint: it involves dolphins.) Alex Bone then interviewed Casey Carhart of Deschutes Brewery and asked him questions ranging from demonic possessions to zombie apocalypses. Bone isn’t well. Alex Bone, Mick Zano, and Casey Carhart of Deschutes Brewery This is another reason I Iove Deschutes. Doesn’t this sound like the perfect event? The video captures more of our antics and our ultimate ejection, but we really feel we accomplished some important work that day, or at least that’s what we keep telling ourselves... Our official apology to both breweries is included in the video, coming soon! Check your spam folder. Until then here’s the opening. Enjoy.

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Climax of Blood Fear, Staring Jack Primus

As Jack raced up the last four flights of stairs, the undulating horror bubbled and screamed at him from a thousand mouths.

 

“Stalwart. You life is numbered in minutes, but your agony will last you lifetimes. I will digest you slowly, never allowing you to perish. Instead you will feast on nothing but pain until the stars fade from the sky.”

“Egoic much?” Jack panted as the turned another corner in the staircase. “We’ll see who lives to see the sunrise you slimy son of a bitch.”

It roared and redoubled its effects to catch him.

Despite this, Jack reached the roof well before it. Now what the hell am I going to do? The roof stretched out before him dark and flat. A few air conditioners and other machines dotted the ice covered surface at irregular intervals. He considered dumping one down the stairs, but it would only delay the inevitable and he needed to use his time more wisely. But to use it for what? Maybe I should have had a plan.

But even as he thought this, a plan started to form. Looking around, he assessed the roof. The western side had a sag where a huge amount of snow and ice had formed. On the lip of this ice was a large air conditioning unit. He sprinted toward it. Upon reaching it, he removed his sledge hammer and began to hit the supports on the side closer to the ice. They buckled. He whacked at the other side’s legs, just enough to break the bolts holding it to the roof.

He had just moved back to the legs in front when the monstrosity burst onto the roof. Forgoing his task, Jack quickly climbed to the top of the air conditioner. He shifted his hammer to his left hand and tossed throwing knives in rapid succession at the thousand limbed horror.

“Is this suppose to hurt as, a hundred mouths drooled and caterwauled at him. We suffer more injuries moving across a floor.”

 

“All the more reason to kill you,” Jack yelled, as he threw another throwing knife into the foul glob of flesh with a meaty plop.

Fury built within the thing and it raged with frenzied movements as it dragged, rolled, and pulled its huge form across the roof.

Jack threw his eighth and final knife at the monstrous Xemmoni and then leapt behind the air conditioner. A second later, he threw his back against the large machine. At first it wouldn’t move, but then the legs he had damaged on the other side buckled more. With a yell and a mighty push he toppled the thing over. It hit the roof with a mighty clang that sent a huge vibration through the structure.

“Fool, you didn’t even hit us. Now you will join us. Enjoy your last taste of clean air Stal-” 

A huge cracking interrupted the insane babbling and its triumph turned to fear as the roof started to collapse. Knocking the machine over the weakened part of the roof proved enough to trigger a reaction. The old roof had never been designed to support the amount of weight the undulating horror had become, which Jack guessed must have weighed in the tons.

With a hundred screams the floor caved in beneath it, but its fall didn’t stop there. Floor after floor of the old apartment were smashed through and the gigantic mound of flesh kept falling.

There was a cracking beneath his feet and Jack quickly realized he was about to follow the horror in its plunge. With a yelp, he leapt for the lip of the roof just as the flooring under his feet tumbled away.

He clung on the edge as huge sections of the roof toppled into the giant hole. “Crew on that crap, you bastard.”

It took him a minute to find a safe place to stand, but once he did, Jack tore the backpack off his shoulders. More than half of his prepared Molotovs had shattered, but at least three were in one piece. He lit his oil soaked backpack and tossed it down the fissure through the apartment. The bellow that he heard when it struck the creature proved most satisfying.

Long way down

Soon though, he had new problems. Not only was the thrashing monstrosity’s limbs weakening the structure, but the fire was quickly catching and soon he would be in the midst of an inferno. He circled the hole to the stairwell, but it was already too late. It was engulfed.

“Me and my bright ideas.”

Smoke began to billow out of the giant hole like the haunted high-rise had become a manmade volcano. “This sucks. Becoming a snake might help, but I still don’t think they could survive a twelve floor drop. Crap, crap, crap.”

Sunrise appeared to be an hour away, but some of the birds had already risen. Their chatter, a normal thing he had heard ten thousand times, felt so distance. It made him feel removed from the world. Trapped and alone.

Then a murder of crows flew toward the building. “Yig is the master of all animals. My patron blessed me with a Mold Nature spell. I’ve only used it on trees so far, but maybe…”

His fingers twisted into fists as the sparks flew around him. Focusing with every fiber of his being, Jack called out to the crow on the far right. Aid me. Please. In the name of the Earth, help me. They birds kept flying. Please, in Yig’s name.

A bird broke away from the pack and flew toward him. This had better work, Jack thought as he rapidly transformed into a small gopher snake. The bird landed and Jack entangled his serpentine body around the crow. It took off with a loud caw. It had trouble flying at first, but proved able to get Jack to the ground safely.

Its black pupils eyed him for a moment and then it took off with a flurry of wings. 

After returning to his human form, Jack watched the building collapse in on itself as it became a true inferno. “I don’t think even that thing can survive in there.” He sighed. “I guess I can finally visit my mother now.”

A mustang pulled up in front of him. “Need a lift,” John said with a grin.

Mustang Night Prowl

Alex leaned over. “Yeah and you might want to clean up some before you visit your mom, your a mess.”

Jack laughed and climbed into of the car behind the teens. “I sure hope you guys brought beer.” Alex handed him and cold one and Jack sunk back into the seat.

For the first times in months, he allowed himself to relax. Sure he wasn’t done with his work by any means. Vile Darken, his oldest and strongest enemy still needed to be dealt with, but for a moment, if only for his mom’s sake, he would allow himself a break.

As the vehicle left the burning structure in its rear view a pair of eyes watched them depart. “Impressive, Mr. Primus,” it whispered more to itself than the creature standing to its left. “You have some skill. I’ll let you bask in your glory just long enough to feel safe.” A cold cackle emitted from his dark form. “Yes, just long enough to feel safe. Then, spawn of Yig, we will come for you.”

Thank you for reading Jack’s newest Adventure Blood Fear

A new Adventure will begin next Monday

Find out how Jack’s Adventures Started Here!

Weatherford Haunting

 

 

 

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzQsv4XOeOE

 

Burning Pillars of Death

Brown clutched his new bat as he raced toward the back of the store. He had visions of Trevor or the nameless mother slamming the door in his face and leaving him on his own against the cannibalistic dead that rushed at him.
Instead, Trevor waited with the door ajar while yelling unnecessary statements like, “run,” and, “they’re coming.”
As soon as Brown dashed through the door, Trevor slammed it shut behind him. The group stood there panting and exchanging panicked looks, until the first fists banged against the door.

The mother jerked back with a startled yell. She put her arm around her daughter and backed up until her heel hit a mop. The impact sent if falling onto the floor with a loud smack. She eyed them and wiped at her child’s face for a moment before standing back up. “You guys aren’t big talkers.”
“Sorry,” Brown apologized while removing his cowboy hat. He ran a sleeve over his brow before continuing.  “I’m Brown and this here’s Trevor. We had two other people with us that are now… part of them.” The banging on the door was a blatant reminder as to the ‘them’ he referred to.
“I’m Laura and this is Jenny.”
Jenny held up her small hand. “I’m five year old.”

 

The noise on the door grew in volume.
“I think we need to do something,” Trevor said. “Help me move the desk in front of the door.”
“Wait, what about that back window?” Brown said while taking in the room. It was maybe fifteen by twenty feet and had cleaning supplies, about twenty boxes, and a cheap desk covered with stacks of paper.
Brown talked quickly. “Trevor, muscle that desk under the window, but don’t smash it out yet. Laura, look through those cleaning supplies for anything flammable.” While he spoke he tossed a few of the heavier boxes in front of the door. While the others worked he snapped the heads off of two of the mops, but slid the third mop toward where Laura gathered the flammable things she found.
“What are we doing?” she asked.
He handed her the mop handle and tossed the other one to Trevor. “We aren’t just escaping. We’re going to kill these freaks so they won’t be able to hurt anyone else.”
“I don’t think the owner will like the idea of us burning down this building.”
“I don’t care,” Brown said, as he covered the head of the mop with black spray paint. He spied two boxes full of paper towels and dumped their contents in front of the door. Going back to the boxes he looked through them while mumbling, “Come on, come on. Here we go, potato chips will work nicely.”
“Potato chips?” Trevor said while tossing the stacks of paper from the desk onto the floor. “Why those?”
“They’re like napalm, they don’t stop burning.” He grinned for the first time since this mess had started. “You’ll like it.”
Laura spoke up to be heard over the pounding fists. “What next?”
It pleased him to see that she had kept the mop handle he had given her. “Take Jenny and wait near the window. Trevor, how far of a drop is it and are there any of those things out there?”
“It’s kinda far, like six feet, but I don’t see any of those things.”
“Okay, listen up. I’m a volunteer fire fighter. A fire like this will kill you in sixty seconds. Smoke will fill this place save for a foot above the floor. It might not hurt those creatures that people have become, but it will kill us. Having the window open will cause this to happen faster. So I want you three to be safe on the ground. Then I’ll light this. Once I make sure it’s going, when I open the window to leave… it will inferno.”
No one cared to argue and Trevor dropped to the ground first. “Still good,” He whispered.
There was a moment of indecision as to whether Laura wanted to go down first or have Jenny do it. A large crack appeared in the door. Seconds later splinters flew. “Take her first.”
Brown lowered the girl down, then helped Laura. He office skirt didn’t make things any easier. Brown kept thinking another dozen of the creatures would appear around the corner, but this still failed to happen.
Maybe my plan is working. Maybe they’re all following us into the store.
The door splintered open enough for him to see a blood drenched face on the other side.
I need to move fast.
Grabbing up the paint smeared mop, he lit it. The flames roared up quickly and once it was going, he stuffed it into a mound of paper towels that surrounded one of the boxes of chips. He watched it catch and smoke poured into the room at once. He pulled the flaming mop handle out and while ducking under the smoke, he used it to push the boxes over that were helping keep the door shut.

The door burst open and three zombies stumbled into the fire. Their clumsy feet kicked the fire to new areas and caused it to grow to greater heights.
Milky eyes stared at him and they ignored the fire in their quest for his flesh. But Brown had already reached the desk. He hopped up and looked back one time. Two of the zombies were pillars of flame.

 

When he opened the window the oxygen caused the entire room to combust He jumped outside as smoke filled the room instantly. Brown landed on the ground coughing, but when he rubbed the smoke from his eyes the others were nowhere to be seen.

To be continued next Saturday!


You can find out more about Brown and the Eternal Aftermath here!

Alex Bone’s Get Poor Quick Scheme

Flagstaff, AZ (aka, Poverty with a View)—Most people in America and the majority of the rest of the world are striving to be rich, but they’re overlooking the truly wonderful advantages of being flat broke. For instance, you will have more free time because your schedule will not be bogged down with things like trips, vacations, shopping, or eating. Things like gaining too much weight—no problem. And no one will ever asks you to borrow money! Hell, they won’t even ask you to babysit for fear you might eat their children. 

For instance, Mick Zano never said, "It’s your turn to buy a round, Bone." It’s never happened.

But how can one become poor quickly, Mr. Bone?

Great question. It’s as if I’m actually asking the question only in italics form. Sure, anyone can become addicted to meth and have their life go down the shitter in a few weeks, but then you end up needing money to support that pesky habit, not to mention the dental work. Some people are purists and when they go broke they want to make sure they do it right. For these individuals, I have written the first in my ninety book series on how to go broke in ten easy steps—without spending a dime!

Sounds good so far, Mr. Bone! Go on.

Step one: Get into as much debt as possible for about a year or so. Hell, you might as well have one last hoorah, right?

Step Two: Stop paying your phone bill. Why bother having a phone at all? You will soon be losing all of your friends, and family anyway, and why talk to creditors? It’s not like they’re pleasant.

Step Three: Consider letting your other bills lapse as well and since you won’t have money for cable or new books to read, electricity of any kind seems superfluous.

Step Four: Remember, if you are this poor, your chances of finding a mate are pretty slim, but again, think of all the extra time and money that will save on the dating process! It’s time to find a new hobby anyway, like drinking.

Step Five: You need to be productive with all of this newfound free time. You don’t want to get drunk and just stare at a tree. Although, I do know some people who enjoy that. So why not build your own shelter?! Just because you are broke it doesn’t mean you have to be one of those losers living in a box. You are not a loser! You are just a nearly penniless, single person without friends, family, or acquaintances. Some pallet wood is a good place to start then sell the last of your possessions to buy rechargeable power tools. You can always charge them up in the library (a place where all those saps that still pay taxes frequent).

Step Six: Start stealing as much as possible. I am not talking about shoplifting as much as grabbing crap that is one degree from being thrown away. Look for things dumped in alleys and behind businesses. Or you can start a hobby, like collecting condiment packets. They also double as comfortable pillow stuffers too. Just be careful, if one breaks as it can be a bad scene. My boxmate wrongly called 911 one night, which can get expensive.

Step Seven: Now that you have a comfy little place, make sure you have a wood stove and then start burning anything you can get your hands on. Hair, magnets, family photos, murder victims. Nothing should be too good to spare from the privilege of keeping you warm at night. A simple truck tire can keep a family warm long enough for them to develop cancer.

Step Eight: Get a sidekick. It might be hard to believe after looking at yourself in the rest room mirror of the gas station, but there is always someone worse off. Just find this mega-loser and make him or her your servant. Hell, you worked hard to get where you are, no need to bother yourself with the day to day details like scraping your burning socks off the wood stove or cleaning last night’s puke off your moldy wall to wall egg cartoon carpet.

Okay, now I have a place to live and more free time than ever, so what now?

Step Nine: Great question. It’s time to start shopping for an enabler. Yep, I know it’s hard to believe, but there are plenty of codependent people out there who are so insecure with themselves that they might even be willing to date a scary creep like you. Let them pay for everything. Hell, you could even get a warm shower after a bout of sympathy sex. Warning: Breaking up with homeless people can be a great blow to their self-esteem and that’s what makes it so hilarious. 

Step Ten: Now, you are ready, finally ready, to get a job writing for The Daily Discord, because you know that is how I got my start and look where I am today! And every Christmas Mr. Winslow sends us all these pen sets that turn out to be pencils. What could be cooler than that? So I’ll see you at the stinky section of the library’s internet desks.

Now go buy my book! But not too many of you at once. I don’t want to have to buy Zano a beer.

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Stairwells, Shotguns, and The Thing That Should Not Be (Featuring Jack Primus)

Jack charged up the filthy stairwell taking three steps at a time. Below him the chaotic jabbering of a hundred mouths grew in volume. He had only made it up another level before the monstrosity poured into the stairwell on the ground floor. He paused to look over the edge to see what followed him and wished he hadn’t.

 

A horrid mix of flesh and random body parts boiled together into a howling mess. Hundreds of bloated, non-blinking, hate filled eyes stared up at him. Drooling mouths muttered and wailed while everything from mismatched feet and hands, even faces, helped propel the horror up toward him.

“Crap, I should have burned the place. Too fucking late now,” he said as he redoubled his efforts to keep ahead of the thing, even if he knew he headed toward a dead end.

He had just turned around another flight of stairs when a new figure descended toward him. Vaguely female, the antler topped Xemmoni had a flowing dark skirt that trailed behind her. But what drew Jack’s attention was the large shotgun she held in one hand.

 

As the figure raised her gun, Jack dove to the side. A loud blast sounded as the buckshot roared over his head. A few stray pellets hit his shoulder, but between the thick leather jacket and his protection of Yig it caused little damage. Getting a foot under him, Jack dove forward as another blast just missed taking off his head. At all times he remained conscious that each second he was delayed gave the thing below a better chance of reaching him.

“Guns aren’t usually your kinda style,” Jack said as he hit the shotgun to the side with a one handed swing of his axe. A dagger had filled his left hand and he went in for a gut shot only to have the figure’s free hand shot forward and grab him by the neck. A second later he was being lifted off his feet.

The creature opened its mouth, but instead of a single speaker a jumbled mass of a thousand voices spewed forth. Somehow, over this insane caterwauling, several voices joined into a jagged union and bellowed. “Soon you life will be crushed and your soul will join the rest!”

 

“That’s all I needed to know,” Jack said and then hacked the figure in the side of her face with his axe.

The thing screeched and then hurled Jack down the stairs. His body didn’t stop until it smashed into the wall. Stars spun across his vision and he tried to fling the dagger at the creature, but it got batted away by the shotgun. She cocked the gun loudly and before Jack could recover, shot him in the center of the chest.

The impact sent him crashing back into the wall and turned his jacket into ribbons. If it wasn’t for the protection granted to him by his patron, Yig, his body would have followed suit. Instead, he struggled to draw breath into his punchered lungs as the thing drew closer. Below them both the jabbering monstrosity neared.

He waited until she came closer and then healed himself. She seemed to sense what he did and raised the shotgun, but this time Jack grabbed it with his free hand and kicked up with his boot. The unexpected blow proved enough to free it from her grip. He tossed the gun away as he brought the axe around in a long arc. The blade connected with her neck with a meaty whack. The figure stumbled and Jack stuck again and then again.  

Its body collapsed once its head hit the floor, but to his horror, Jack saw that foul beast from the basement was already beginning to pool on the stairwell below him. Two things that looked like arms attached end to end lashed up at him. These grotesque appendages stretched over twenty feet in length and ended with a bloated hand. One grabbed his ankle and pulled him off his feet. A moment later, he was being dragged to the end of the stair. His axe went to chop it, but the second appendage grabbed it from his fist.

He continued to be dragged into the hundred mouth horror as the axe slammed into his head and shoulders. The blows were awkward, but still hurt like hell and didn’t make anything easier.

As he neared the edge of the stair, his groping hand landed on the shotgun. Without thinking, he aimed at the elongated arm that held him and shot it a foot below from where it held him. The arm severed and he pulled away just as the first frothing of foulness began to spill over the lip of the stairwell. Ignoring the blows from the axe that continued to rain down on his battered form, Jack hurried up the next flight of stairs. As soon as he was a floor higher, he turned and emptied the shotgun into the churning mass below.

 

Looking up, he guessed he had about four more flights to go. Without glancing back, he drew the sledge hammer off his back and headed for the roof of the haunted high rise.

To be continued next Monday

Find out how Jack’s Adventures Started Here!

Aliens Set to Invade Earth but Decide it isn’t Worth the Bother

Collapsing shack Arizona: After traveling over 300 light years and listening to the same songs 10,000,000,000 times, the invasion force from the planet Gloom 666 has turned around and decided to head back home.

 

When asked why they made the choice to return to their world without invading ours, their Admiral Wigaling had this to say. “First off this place smells. Normally we go in and steal resources, but there are barely enough here to bother. We like stealing cultures as well, but again… once we saw what you had to offer, it was another big, why bother. And don’t even get me started on your women… I’ve seen less entitlement from the twin princesses of Mollun 5.”

 

When I pointed out the huge tracks of virgin forest in Alaska and other wondrous natural resources we still had, he looked at me like I was insane and said, “What is the matter with you? You act like you want to be attacked and have your existence completely destroyed.  Are you an idiot or something? I feel like attacking your planet just so I can kill your dumb ass.”

For some reason the United Nations expelled me from the conference after that. But I think we have all learned a valuable lesson here. There is an upside to environmental destruction. Yes, just like how I avoid identify theft by having an identity no one would want, we are now protecting our lifestyles by making our Earth so useless that domination conquest will pass us right by. I might even have to vote Republican next election.

 

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